So he says he loves me....

And the txt read: "I love you! xo xo xo "

The man says he loves me....and somehow this enrages me.

I don't want him to love me, I don't want that guy to love me, I don't want you or them to love me....I don't want to hear the word love anymore.

I am tired of the word love...I am exhausted by the rote repetition I have heard of this word over the last couple of years. It has become a hollow word, a senseless word.

You see we use this word too loosely, and in truth love is such a precious word, so very precious. It is a word that so many lonely souls in the world would die to hear just once from a sincere heart. It is a word that encompasses the entire spectrum of emotions and sensations within it, from anguish to ecstasy.

But to me it has merely become a cliche, something to say when you're not quite sure what else to say.....

In the last few months I have learnt that I will no longer use this word so freely and conveniently, because I have mocked the essence of what the term love is and I am saddened by that and I can only justify saying I love you, when, what you and I share is truly worthy of being honoured with the word love.

I mean trust me, I will not shy away from telling you I am completely in lust with you, or madly infatuated with you or that I am falling deeply in trust with you....but to hear me say the L word, damn baby! you better be something as spectacular as the Halley's comet and just as rare....

Sigh, I am tired of these dime a dozen boys pretending to be men types. I want a man that has the balls to realise that life is short, and we are only given x amount of days to fulfill our hopes dreams and aspirations, why fuck around and waste these precious moments on total bullshit? Why? I just don't have the time for it anymore.

See I have decide I will only sit up and pay attention to the man who understands that love isn't just a word we use to describe and umbrella all the different sensations we feel when we think of someone. Love is an action we display to the one who inspires such raw emotion as well.

I mean when we love we will throw ourselves over one another body mind and spirit to protect them from whatever harm or pain that may come to them, because we can't bear to see them suffer.

And when we love there will be a quiet strength and belief that no matter how mad the world and how difficult the journey maybe, we will be able to hold on to one another and get thru it, together, as one entity.

And when we love, we will not use our words as weapons to cut, mutilate, or destroy the spirit of the one we feel this affection for, rather we will shower them with soft whispers of emotion that bubble up from the core of us.

And when we love we are devoid of judgement or fear, we accept all that is dark, dirty and freaky about our lover, because there is that trust it will never be turned against one another.

And oh my when we love, truly love with purity and honesty, we will revel in the calm and freedom that we have found in one another.

Bloody hell, I have yet to truly experience any of these actions though, I thought I had, sigh but sadly I realised it was more about what I hoped I could and would feel rather that what was real.

But when I do feel all that I have described, and I know in the core of me I will...once my man can show me all his words are just as functional in action, I will let my tears fall and I will bow my head to the ground in a shukrana ka sajaada to my God every single day for gracing me with such a gift.

But until then keep your I love you and ishq vishq yous and what ever else yous...cos I don't believe you!

But here is what I do believe tonight....

Just to be able to snuzzle that perfect curve of a man, where the shoulder and neck meet and inhale deeply that divine scent...that is real.

To be able to wrap my arm around a man's waist and hook my thumb in the back of his pants to hold him close....that is real.

To be able to feel the strength of a man's chest under my cheek as we sway to some sexy Maxwell track....that is real.

To feel a man's head sleek with sweat from kissing you....that is real.

To feel a man's fingers looped loosely thru yours, just to let you know he is there....that is real.

To feel his breath on top of your head and thru your hair....that is real.

No complications, no stuttered words, just the reality of touch and need.

And that is all the reality I need tonight.