LET ME ROAR!
Let me scream and shake my fists!
I destroyed a relationship with a man who felt so much for me, for a typical man who didn't want me? Somebody slap me in the face!
My poor Azie....sigh.... what did I do to him? I mind fucked him so large, and now my heart hurts for him. How can I be angry with him or hurt by him, his resentment and rage is due to the way I treated him. Mind you his anger is cutting but I can comprehend it. He wanted me, he wanted a relationship with me, in his moments of intoxication all he did was plead with me to see him, to care for him, to be gentle with him, treat him right, but I was sooo preoccupied with myself, so lost in my own insanity, that I never saw how he was bleeding from my lack of compassion and attention.
And Allah forgive me, unfortunately, I can not reverse the damage that is done from this.
I can't change how I have hurt him and how he has retaliated and hurt me. We are such a conundrum, we can't live with each other but we miss each to no end when we are not speaking....If only I could tell him the truth, the whole story A-Z but he would definitely never ever understand, I don't even understand now that I step back, how will he? I hate getting myself into these shaddy situations, because they always backfire and somehow they always come back to haunt you...
Why did I compare him, when he was incomparable, he was my Lion (Azlan means Lion in pashtu) long sleek and smooth, brand name wearing, white shoe dancing crazy assed mother fucker.....He made me laugh with his messed up blue tooth that irritated me to no end, and his habban, habbda, hanana, urdu that I always had to have him repeat 3 times (and he always did) with his poker face like nothing was shocking to him, always cool as ice with a burning inferno inside... he wanted all of me, marked, scarred, flawed, but I didn't have all of me to give because I had so blindly served myself to a spirit who had no value for me. I gave it away to a man who I was just a fantasy for, and fantasies are flexible, fading, and replaceable....but for Azie he wanted me to be his reality.
He was definitely one in a million, and if I am honest with myself he was true, a true lover, after all the months of complete dysfunction he still kept finding a way to stay connected..comming back to me, in his own way loving me, see this is pure emotion...anger hate sadness rage love passion connection but never an amputation.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!
Lesson learnt I suppose...Inshallah one day we will find a way to forgive each other for the hurts we have inflicted on one another....I miss him...I have been unfair, unkind and have even used him to stitch myself back together again one too many times, having said that he has been a right bastard himself, per chalo, that is our dynamic....pure water and oil, and completely flammable, but an adventure none the less....
Hmmmm...time will tell, how this story unfolds....something tells me ain't quite over yet....
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