The Conundrum....

Sigh the human mind is one complex and fucked up entity I tell you....

I finally feel myself letting go and getting over the last 6 months...I mean I don't get those anxious pangs in the middle of my chest, nor am I constantly replaying every detail, conversation, or moment in my mind anymore. Althou I won't lie, there is a lingering sensation, it almost feels like the chemistry of my soul and spirit have changed and my body is still adjusting, but in truth I have to actually consciously work to recall memories, because they don't sit on top of my head or heart like thorns. I guess it's just that I am healing.

But get this, and this is where the engima is....I am sad that I am healing.

I KNOW!! WTF???

I think I am sad because those amazing moments are fading and don't carry the same shade of vibrant as they used to and they almost seem surreal, did it really happens sort of memory....And it aches to know I have been let go of in the same way....

I mean of course it is inevitable, life is fluid and we must keep moving forward, evolving, and continuing to the next experience. My mom was watching a hindi flick over the weekend, it was called 'Hello' and it a group of youngsters have a confrence call with God (I know only in Bollywood eh? lol) But mom gave me the jist of the conversation and the most profound line went something like this:

God says to them, the choices you make today will effect the outcome of your tomorrow, so just stay focused on your present, live each moment aware and make the choices you think are right, and I will take care of tomorrow...Just one day at a time...one moment at a time.

I had lost myself in the thoughts of the past and fears of the future, but what I realised is that I have been so lucky with the experiences that I have had and the moments I have shared with so many amazing individuals.

Yes althou at times I have been completely perplexed as to why God had intented my path to cross with certain people, but I realised that even the most painful and negative experience has left me wiser, stronger and more aware. I am able to to draw on these past experience to make better choices and more appropriate decisions. And the way I look at it is this: I have a choice to either be the victim and keep crying as to how unfair and how fucked up the situation is/was....or I can say hmmmmm....sad it ended, but damn what a good time. I choose to remember the laughs, good times and warm feelings, because I do believ these will keep me much better company than all the negatives points of the experience, so I discard them. I don't want to keep them alive and burning so I can become resentful and bitter....Anger makes people ugly ugly very very ugly, trust me, my ass will tell you. And the sooner one lets go of these 'ugly' vibes there is room for 'sexy' 'stunning' and 'superstar' vibes to flow in.

I am sad that a really intense, profound beautifully passionate chapter in my life has come to end, but you know what, I am beginning to realise that it's ok, because now I know it is possible to feel the way that I did, I got to live and breathe it and get carried away with it, and isn't that what life is? To love hard, cry hard, play hard, live hard.....I have no regrets, none what's so ever. I merely have one more scar to add to my multitude and prove that I am truly living my life without fear, and that feeling my friends is fucking exhilarating....