Trick or Treat....

Ahaaannnn!!

Mummeeji and Papaji are lounging on the Island in the Caribbean....
Bhayaa is chilling with his mates.....
Babee is with her Papa.....

And me? Welll now we are going to have to find a way to keep me amused now aren't we?

It is Halloween....Hmmmmm.......TRICK or TREAT?

But in the mean time let's turn up the music loud, and dance in our underwear...Come on now shake that ass like it's on fire, ain't no one here to watch....


WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!....

Dance me to the end of Love....

This is a most beautiful track by Leonard Cohen and the video....oh my...
It actually made me tear up the first time I watched it....

Yeah yeah I know....but common.....no matter how tough I am, I am still a girl you know!!

Unfortunately the embedding function has been disabled but please do be sure to follow the link and watch it....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_PIadFsvDk

And here are the lyrics....

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love


Ahhh now this is a remix of the song....I love it, it is such a perfect mix to listen to at night when all the lights are out and no one is home and you can turn it right up and float away on the beat.....

Enjoy:

Keep It Simple....

Is there such a thing as Soul mates? I mean do you really think it is possible to truly make a connection at the most unconditional and pure state, where a man and woman bond and unify in a way that tracendes what seems to be the here and now. I don't know, I think maybe it is possible, but I think in order to feel that, you would have to completely let go of your boundaries and bare the essential core of yourself and HELL that's damn scary...

But just thinking about it makes me feel free, wouldn't it be so completely liberating?? To be so completely insych with a person, to know that what you like they will like, to be so unafraid to say what ever you feel, want and desire and know there will be no judgement? Just to be so connected?

But who am I kidding....It's not that simple is it?

I mean lets look at it from a rational and logical point of view, when we meet a person that we are attracted to the intial infatuation has a way of blinding us to the reality of a situation, everything it so beautiful and intoxicating, the intensity that feel with seems to be more profound than the cracks in the foundation of what is developing, I mean what we are feeling can with stand it all, because well...we have never felt this way before, so it to be real right?

And so we kiss, we talk romantic, we make plans, we believe in forever. But after the euphoria of the intial oragasms have past and the mind has once again becomes lucid we start to use the practical mind and althou we there is so much that is right, all of a sudden those cracks in the foundation don't seem so miniscule anymore and they begin to corrode the relationship...

We start scrutinizing the family, the religion, the community, the history, the money, the sex, the body, the values and principles and we start to question will this person be the best suited partner I need in order to build the empire of my life with rather than a family with...and that, saddens me...

I mean lets face it in our world today, relationships and marriages aren't built to last the way they used to be, where highschool sweethearts married, and are now on to their 40th wedding aniversary, where are those brick house type relationships today? I mean they could scream like banshees, threaten death and cause mayhem because someone no matter what a love hate relationship they had they would stick it out because somehow life would seem incomplete without their partner, hmmmm, maybe that is what true love is, maybe that is what makes a soul mate...the one you can make it work even when you don't think it can work, the one you will hate but love with the same intensity, the one you want to throw your chappal at and it makes you cry because it actually hit them and hurt them. Maybe soul mates are the ones you are able to live both sides of the coin with and at the end of day still want to make love to them.

But in truth I have not experienced that, so for me it is all beautiful myth I believe in to give me hope. I mean I have been married, I have been in love exactly 3 times (including my husband), each being a completely experience than the other but just as memorable. I have been infactuated innumerable times and lust and I have become good friends....But I have yet to meet a man who can move me and love me and understand me the way I need to be understood. I have yet to meet a man I inspire forever in and a man who makes me forget my fear of forever with.

And in truth I am so tired of it and the thought of giving my freedom up now to become the partner of a man who feels that I meet enough of the criteria on his checklist or someone who is just settling because well they feel it is time, makes me very unhappy, so I have decided that I am going to watch the dating scene from a safe distance, because I have observed that people have a hard time investing themselves and their time into one person, it would seem that there is always that lingering thought what if there is something better, what if she isn't the one...

And to be quite honest I dont know how to wrap my head around the games we are suppose to play. I have heard so much advise and have been drilled with these obscure rules as to how you are suppose to manipulate a man into wanting in you...I think it s bloody insane

What is it they say? It's all about the chase...and the thrill...you shouldnt be so open and wear your heart on your sleeve...be mysterious...blah...blah...blah...I mean if we have to play so many games then how can the connection we are hoping to make possibly be based on anything real or honest...I am too old for games and too my mind is too full to remember all the rules. All I ask for is something real, true, honest and pure.

I know who I am and I know how I am...and I know that should I find the right person...they will be rather pleased.. and maybe I'm different and believe that if my 'Soul mate' is real and does in fact exists, I won't have to play all these games...He will find me and he will recognize me and love me...Because I truly and passionately believe that ultimate love is simple...uncomplicated and liberating...

But then again maybe I'm just a sucker...

The Conundrum....

Sigh the human mind is one complex and fucked up entity I tell you....

I finally feel myself letting go and getting over the last 6 months...I mean I don't get those anxious pangs in the middle of my chest, nor am I constantly replaying every detail, conversation, or moment in my mind anymore. Althou I won't lie, there is a lingering sensation, it almost feels like the chemistry of my soul and spirit have changed and my body is still adjusting, but in truth I have to actually consciously work to recall memories, because they don't sit on top of my head or heart like thorns. I guess it's just that I am healing.

But get this, and this is where the engima is....I am sad that I am healing.

I KNOW!! WTF???

I think I am sad because those amazing moments are fading and don't carry the same shade of vibrant as they used to and they almost seem surreal, did it really happens sort of memory....And it aches to know I have been let go of in the same way....

I mean of course it is inevitable, life is fluid and we must keep moving forward, evolving, and continuing to the next experience. My mom was watching a hindi flick over the weekend, it was called 'Hello' and it a group of youngsters have a confrence call with God (I know only in Bollywood eh? lol) But mom gave me the jist of the conversation and the most profound line went something like this:

God says to them, the choices you make today will effect the outcome of your tomorrow, so just stay focused on your present, live each moment aware and make the choices you think are right, and I will take care of tomorrow...Just one day at a time...one moment at a time.

I had lost myself in the thoughts of the past and fears of the future, but what I realised is that I have been so lucky with the experiences that I have had and the moments I have shared with so many amazing individuals.

Yes althou at times I have been completely perplexed as to why God had intented my path to cross with certain people, but I realised that even the most painful and negative experience has left me wiser, stronger and more aware. I am able to to draw on these past experience to make better choices and more appropriate decisions. And the way I look at it is this: I have a choice to either be the victim and keep crying as to how unfair and how fucked up the situation is/was....or I can say hmmmmm....sad it ended, but damn what a good time. I choose to remember the laughs, good times and warm feelings, because I do believ these will keep me much better company than all the negatives points of the experience, so I discard them. I don't want to keep them alive and burning so I can become resentful and bitter....Anger makes people ugly ugly very very ugly, trust me, my ass will tell you. And the sooner one lets go of these 'ugly' vibes there is room for 'sexy' 'stunning' and 'superstar' vibes to flow in.

I am sad that a really intense, profound beautifully passionate chapter in my life has come to end, but you know what, I am beginning to realise that it's ok, because now I know it is possible to feel the way that I did, I got to live and breathe it and get carried away with it, and isn't that what life is? To love hard, cry hard, play hard, live hard.....I have no regrets, none what's so ever. I merely have one more scar to add to my multitude and prove that I am truly living my life without fear, and that feeling my friends is fucking exhilarating....

What I would tell Her....

• Kiss him every morning before he leaves for work, when he comes home from work and before you both go to bed.
• Make his lunch for work everyday, even on the days he is a mean fuck and you want to throw your chappal at him.
• Sit and eat with him at dinner, talk to him about the crazy people he met and how other drivers pissed him off and all the road rage he encountered, talk to him about your day and what you saw and heard.
• Allow him to be quiet when he doesn't feel like chatting and try not to take it too personally, althou this can be hard, but sometimes he just needs his time.
• Tell him when you think he is full of shit and is not be honest with you.
• Don't be afraid of him.
• Don't tell him do this and do that, ask him...tell him: ji do you mind...will you please....can you please....He is your man treat him with respect.
• DO NOT become a push over, stay strong in your own point of veiws without becoming over bearing or bitchy.
• Be confident in who you are.
• Let him mourn for his mother when ever he remembers her, talk to him about her, understand her, she was the most beautiful and important woman in his life and she will always have the biggest part of him. Accept it with love.
• Understand that he is always testing you and checking on you and will find a way to be aware of everything you do and all the people you speak to and if he doesn't know, it will make him antsy.
• Keep no secrets from him. He will sense when you are not being straight.
• Pray with him and discuss the deeper meaning of life in a non preachy way.
• Hug him when he is least expecting. Wrap your arms around him from behind when he is washing his hands after dinner, or put your arm around his waist when at the grocery store and bring him in close to you so he can feel your warmth.
• Never mope whine or moan about his gym and supplements. It is his passion, encourage him and if you are smart train with him.
• Becareful not to judge his family, althou he will complain, do not add your two cents he needs to vent his frustrations he doesn't need you to magnify what is wrong with the situaton.
• When at the movies or watching tv, lean over and kiss him on his neck and tell him how attractive you find him and how much you desire him.
• Tell him you LOVE HIM! Everyday! Even if he doesn't respond, his heart feels it.
• Be cautious, even thou he seems as calm as still waters, he is a raging emotional man, never take what you see for granted, cos who he seems to be and who he is are not always in correlation.
• PUSH HIM TO LIVE HIS OWN DREAMS! Don't belittle him or make him feel like he talking nonsense, let him try to make it.
• At night when he is sleeping you wake him up by kissing him, touching him, arousing him to make love.
• Always keep your hand on his leg or back of his neck, or play with his ear when he is driving. He loves the sensation of touch. Gentle touch.
• Tickle his back before he falls asleep and massage his sore muscles when he comes home from the gym.
• Be sensual with him.
• Be bold with him.
• Be sexual with him.
• Be so tender and affectionate with him, this is what he craves the most, pure tenderness and pure affection.
• Know him, understand him, watch him, make him a part of who you are and let him make you apart of who he is.
• Don't be typical.
• Always take care of yourself, smell good, groom yourself, be feminine.
• Never ever judge him for his past or throw it in his face.
• Don't have too much pride and say sorry to him first. He appreciates it more than he shows.
• Know that he is SMART and can push your buttons and will out wit you.
• Be loyal to him and only him and he will take care of your family as his own.
• He may seem like a mad angry man, but he is a gentle spirit who hates conflict.
• NEVER MAKE FUN OF HIM, unless you are confident you can get away with it.
• Be his friend, his best friend that he is unafraid to tell everything to.
• Let him be possessive of you.
• Make him your King and you will without hesitation be his Queen.
  

These are things I wish I could tell her.

Stolen....

You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You were my air when I couldn't breathe
I think you always knew what you meant to me

And you were my strength when I was down
And you made me humble when I wouldn't bow
I held on to your promise that you'd be around

Where were you when I was alright
Tell me, did you know I was alright
You left me thinking I'd be alright
Won't you come back to me

It's crazy but I'm falling apart
It's crazy how you're leaving me scarred
It's crazy girl wherever you are
You stole my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane
Feeling lost, confused and ashamed
It's crazy hope you're feeling my pain
You stole my heart
Stolen

Just like a moment
Stolen
You never owned it
Stolen
You took away my heart

I was mainly lost in my own world
Neglecting your needs and your wants girl
If only we could try again once more

Now it's the same sad story that we all know
How lovers make mistakes watch it all blow
I don't wanna be the one to let it all go, no

Where were you when I was alright
Tell me, did you know I was alright
You left me thinking I'd be alright
Won't you come back to me

It's crazy but I'm falling apart
It's crazy how you're leaving me scarred
It's crazy girl wherever you are
You stole my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane
Feeling lost, confused and ashamed
It's crazy hope you're feeling my pain
You stole my heart

Stolen
Just like a moment
Stolen
You never owned it
Stolen
You took away my heart

And no man can live without blood running through his veins
And it's hard to remember the summer now here is rain
I don't know how much longer that I can wait
It's a thin line between love and hate

It's crazy but I'm falling apart (girl it's crazy)
It's crazy how you're leaving me scarred (leaving me scarred)
It's crazy girl wherever you are (tell me where are you, where are you)
You stole my heart

Its crazy but I'm going insane (going insane)
Feeling lost, confused and ashamed
It's crazy hope you're feeling my pain (are you feeling my, feeling my pain)
You stole my heart

Stolen
Just like a moment
Stolen
You never owned it
Stolen
Girl you took away my heart (x2)

Nikki

Forgive you...Forgive me....

"How do we forgive when we’re angry and hurt? As a first step, we can be willing to truly feel our anger and hurt. Honouring our feelings by being fully present with them helps to release the feelings themselves. And it helps to remember that people only hurt others when they themselves are in pain. When we can recognize the other person’s suffering, our heart can open in compassion. We can also remember that at some time or another, we too have hurt someone through our own unskilful action. Only love can heal the rifts caused by a hurtful deed. Forgiveness holds immense power because it mends separation. It moves us towards the unity and love that lie at the core of our being. It is a fundamental part of the healing process. "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." - - Paul Boese

Thanks Fari for this, it has inspired such a shift in persepective, and it has helped take the sting away a bit.....

Cranberry Vodka....

Last night I went to Punjabi Sikh wedding. What a time, what a party!

I went with my guddia Jyoti and we looked rather smashing if I do say so myself. We got there at 6:45 the invite said 6 and the bridal party didn't show until 9....Lesson learnt and good thing the appetizers were yummy, I say!

Anyways as we were sitting waiting for the bride and groom to arrive, Jyoti and I were passing time being typical desi girls and checking out everyone's sari and who was with who, and I can't lie, our gaze did keep drifting to the gang of beautiful young sardarjis hanging around the, of course, open bar.....When I heard the opening notes to a song, a song I really would have been happier not hearing on this particular night, but lo and behold, on the projection screens all around us (they had 5 to be exact) the song Teri Ore from Singh is King came on....and that is when I knew it was going to be a long long night....I looked at Jyoti and said "Drink darling?" and of course being the gem that she is complied, and that was how my relationship with Cranberry Vodka started.....


Our table filled up and the drink I had been sipping ever so slowly was beginning to warm my blood and relax my body and mind, and distraction was much easier to come by, but my tummy was still twisting...What was I doing here, it was like volunteering for a round of chinese torture. I could see the bottom of my glass looming, and althou the edge had dulled, the bridal party still hadn't shown, and I was starting to get antsy as the room began to fill up with reminders of the fact that my own Sardar had recently celebrated his own marriage at a reception like this. What's another drink to pass time....and just in time....The announcement was made, they had finally arrived

Stunning is the only word that came to mind, she (Manpreet) was breathtaking in her Deep Pink Langa which was completely embroidered with gems stones and he (Aman), was looking smart in his dark suit. They took their place at the head of the table, individual family introductions were made, followed by a few speeches by friends and the bride groom and then of course the slide show....I braced myself and prayed really really really hard that I would not hear a single Shinda track, and Allah was Merciful with me, but I did take a larger than usual sip of my Vodka cran as pictures from the Gurdwara flashed across the screen...the truth of the ceremony were in those moments...Red turban, talwar in hand, her in crimson red head to toe, holding on to her new husband....but blissfully the bottom of the glass was mainly vodka and I was floating happily thru to the end of the presentation (you should know I am a bloody cheap assed drunk!)


They cut the cake, and then the first dance commenced, and that is when in my haze of alcohol, I had a moment of pure lucidity. As I saw him hold her close, and watched them laugh together and talk into each other's ear, I felt sheer embarrassment for my arrogance. How could I think I could be more than this to him, more than his family, his culture, his religion, his identity? How could I judge his decision and choice? I am nothing in comparison to the magnitude of what he would have had to give up had he chosen me, and when they say love just ain't enough, it is so so so true. And in that instant I disconnected from the last 3 months of rage, anger, hate and hurt. I was done with it. I forgave all the hurts inflicted.


Well I am profoundly stunned by this moment...I turned to Jyoti hug her and kiss her and thank her for making me her date tonight....And by this time the music has picked up in volume and the beat is kicking and I am feeling lighter, and what better way to celebrate than a drink? Althou I am thinking maybe some food would be better to help absorb some of the liquor, but there seems to be no physical evidence of dinner yet, other than the smell of the tandoor cooking fresh naan....So off to the bar, we make our way thru all the young men standing around laughing and giving each others knowing looks that, they think we can't see and which we just ignore as we try to make our way to the front....now remember I haven't drank in years this is now my third drink and the bartender has retired her shot glass and is with free hand pouring the vodka into ice fill glasses and it would seem she is just adding the cranberry juice for colour. Well Jyoti and I clink glasses and give each other a heart felt "CHEERS!" and take a deep sip.

I am floating now...I can still walk straight, and I am talking coherently but I am a bit rosier than when I came in and my smile is a bit bigger and the giggles come a lot easier, but it's all good cos it all makes perfect sense now. But there is also a sense of sadness that falls on my heart, a sense of bittersweetness as I realise it is time to let all of it go...All the emotions, thoughts, desires, and hopes that have to do with Sunnyji mera Sardar. I can no longer hold on to him with my anger, I can no longer hold on to him with my love, I can no longer hold on to him with my friendship, I can no longer hold on to him with my memories. He is a married man, with a wife who looked up at him, as I saw a new young bride looking up to her husband tonight. And I can no longer resent her for having him and I can no longer hate him for making the right decision and in the bigger picture that right decision does not include me....

AT LAST DINNER IS SERVED....

And my glass is still almost full....I am hungry, and the butter chicken and the mali gofta with jeera rice and soft soft naan smell yummy! And so we eat while watching the dancers on the floor raise their hands to the ceiling and the dhol player intensifies the beat of the music. With tummies full it is time to join the dancers, but wait let me finish this drink....

So as gracefully as we can we make our way to the dance floor thru the jungle of chairs scattered all over, and join a group of girls that we know,we begin to rip it up. I haven't danced punjabi style since high school and I am so sure I look like a wanna be, but who cares I am buzzing and the beat is wicked and it has been for ever and a day since I have danced! So song after song after song, I watch Jyoti get lost in the beat, I watch the men kicking their bhangra styles and I am chilling....but I need a moment to gather my thoughts....



I tell my date, that I am going to go chill at the table for a bit, and I check my phone and smile as I see txts from Amanji and oh lookie here, a couple of surprise guest stars as well....Atleast I know I am well thought of...So I sit and take the last gulp of my vodka cos that is all that really seems to be left in my glass. And I sigh...so this is what it was all about eh? And I wonder am I such a stir of emotions because of the drinks, or because of the truth I had to face today? What ever was causing it I was feeling relief and sadness all at the same time.

I go back to join the girls dancing and we dance in our circle, we smile we laugh and we flow....But one more drink just to end the night right?...We make our way back to the bar, take some pics dance a couple more dances, but the alcohol has taken a toll now, and I am in need of some water to dilute the effects so I can go home walking straight. Jyoti is in the zone, so I sneak away and grab a water and head to chill back at my table, but there is this damn fine looking gent standing next to me and I am feeling bolder than wonderwoman, but as I turn to look at him to make that eye contact, I realise I won't find who I am looking for in him, and so I head back to my table and of course as I head back to my table there is a group f boys who are enjoying a late night meal "Oye Hoye!" I can hear them yell over the music, but I keep walking, not tonight I say to myself, not tonight...

Home sweet home....I snuggle into my covers, when I get a call from Ron, lol....saala he is as smashed as I am, but it is nice to have someone to laugh with, and make the night a bit less lonely, but one of us falls a sleep I am not sure if it is him or I, but at last I find my lull......

This morning I felt the side effects of the party last night....but it's all good, Cranberries and I have forged a new relationship and we have agreed to only meet on very special ocassions, and althou anytime I hang out with Jyoti it is a special ocassion, I need to keep my lucidity at all times, I want to feel each moment and make it in my own....Can't lie the haze of last night was heavenly, and for the first time in along time I was totally relaxed, but I am a warrior of life, and I cannot afford to dull my senses, I want to be ever present and focused, so that when I make those memories they are pristine and clear.

So thank you for a fantastic night meri guddia....an unforgettable one at that!

Thank you to my Sardar, for the memories of a life time....

And Cheers to y'all until the next time we party!

Kiss me...

Step closer...

Give me the heat of you...

Lust for your scent...

Smells of soap, cologne, and cooked spices of home linger on your skin.

Don't touch...

Just stand...

Mouth close to mouth, breath intermingling in that precious space that still seperates...

Inhale and exhale on my lips...

Fingers twitch with the need to touch your full bottom lip....

No not yet....

I am weakening....

Rub my cheek against your beard...

Sigh escapes...

Feel its roughness awaken each and every sense...

Your heart beating against my chest....

Your need arousing against my thigh...

But not yet my sweet...

Not yet....

Fingertips and nails leave a trail on the hard muscle of your forearm....

inside your eblow....

over your shoulder...

slowly along your shoulder blade...

around your neck....

Confident hands encircle my waist...

Pull me close...

Intimately...

Hard evidence of need....

Soft hair at the base of your neck playing thru my fingers...

Long strong fingers in my hair...

Softly tugging...

Pulling back....

Neck exposed...

Erotic heat on my pulse....

My heart stops...

Air in lungs expelled....

Tounge and mouth buring a trail from base to ear....

Breathe or fall

BREATHE OR FALL!

Like wind, air rushes to my center....

Whispers and pleas escape our mouths...

Now....

Now...

Please now....

Mouth ever so gently on mouth....

Introductions are made softly...

Hands tighten...

Grips fasten...

Closer...
Closer...

There is a gap between your heart and mine...

CLOSER....

Need grows...

Intensity....

Rushing...

Wanting....

Wanting more....

and more....

and more...

Lips crush...

Tounges invade....

Moans escape....

Breath unites....

The dance begins....

Kiss me...

Just kiss me...

Mukh gaye ne....

Thank
you to Aral who helped me translate this song....

Finally got the actual sentiment of the song....

Muk gaye ne charkhe de gerhe
The revolutions of the spinning wheel (charkha) have ended

Mukki na judaai yaar di
But my yearning/wait for my beloved hasn't ended.

(Charkha was a tool to spin cotton to make threads (which in turn was used to make clothes) and was also a symbolic part of romantic sufi punjabi songs and stories, it is said to be a symbol of true love, girls would sit by the charkha and spin threads thinking about their loved ones. It was a symbol of human relationships . So there was a whole lot of focus on the charkha and these stories while it spun cotton-threads) So that's why it says that so much time has passed but I still think of my beloved.

Lag gaye ne roag hoye
This dangerous disease (of love) has struck me

Sajna de bajhon main rondi rahi
I kept crying without my beloved. (Sajna means beloved, bajhon means without)

Poni koi vi na kati gayi
I couldn't spin none of the cotton rolls (What this could imply that she was so lost in the thoughts of the beloved that she forgot about the poni (cotton roll) and the spinning -i.e metaphorically speaking) But uh, I could be wrong on this part.

Baithee udeekan main kalle paee
Sitting here and waiting, I've gotten so lonely

Meray shareekaan de naal o phire
He walks around with my people (relatives and friends)

Utray tarakla kalege meray
It seems as if I've been impaled in the heart by the spindle (of the charkha)

[ because it further implies that the guy is ignoring her , and that possibly the relatives and people could be talking negatively about her, i.e. gossipping)

Marna ae chardh ke ode sirey
And, I'll die , and him being the cause of my death.

Revised translation by Amanji is as follows:

Baithee udeekan main kalle paee

I am lying here all alone in wait for him.

Meray shareekaan de naal o phire

He is hanging out with my foes.

Utray tarakla kalege meray

The spindle seems to be piercing my heart seeing it!

Marna ae chardh ke main ohde sirey,

And I am going to die, with he being the sole reason of my
death!

Get by with a little help from my Friends.....

Haaahhahahhaaa...

Ok so my sleep has gone MIA all of a sudden and I can't seem to find my lull again and according to Mista Sharma, if you can't sleep don't toss and turn and huff and puff, just do something else, until your second lull finds you. So here I am.....

So last night Fari and I were chatting, both of us in raging angry moods, she's my sister (cuz-sister, but still blood, and our blood runs thick let me tell you). And we were venting about this and that and the other...and all of sudden she stops me and says:


"Ashie" and I of course respond

"what's up"

she says: "YOU'RE OVER HIM!!! AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!"

and I replied : "huh....hmmm....when did this happen...lol?!?"


So I stopped and did an internal check, first I went thru all the physical symptoms that I was feeling thru the last three months, the chest ache has all but disappeared, I could take a deep breath and actually feel the air in my lungs, and in my mind, well goodness, it just didn't seem so foggy anymore. Oh shit, when did this happen, why have I not noticed....Some how everything seems faded now, and not so intense. Actually I am kind of looking for an ember of something, anything to show witness to the misery I have felt for the last little while, and bloody hell, it has all gone cold!

It feels as thou where Sunny and I were within me is now just a cold and empty room, you know like in the movies you see them show an area where all the furniture is draped over and there is dust filtering thru the air, and even thou you can tell someone lived there and had made memories there, it has been left unused and almost forgotten, well that is how I feel tonight.

It would seem that my spirit and time have been slowly working behind my back and have quietly been putting dust covers over my emotions, and have been packing a way my memories, and very gently have picked up the broken pieces of what I hope for and have discarded them. They have been kind to me and have not forced me to actively participate but merely have cradled me and allowed me to slowly just move forward towards the future, while they took care of the past...My spirit and time have been much too generous with my mind and heart.

But no this has not been a solo journey at all....no no along with them, have been mates that have helped put band aids on the cuts and ice packs on the bruises and have even provided therapy to massage myself back to the living and participate. And in truth they have come like blessings when least expected and in truth they have come when I thought I was most alone.

Fari: "we got each other...united frontier...we will rock it...kick it and break it to the bone...we will do it...and do it together!" Need I say more? She is my mentor, my rock and my soft place to fall. Tough Love supreme with the gentlest hand. I love her truly and dearly and I am blessed to call her family.

Amanji: What treasure I discovered! Randomly thru his blog, while searching high and low for the english translation of "Afwah" by Arminder Gill....He gave such a beautiful translation and after reading a few of his posts, for some reason I felt compelled to reach out to him...Thank God the man is all over the net, so he was easy to find haha!. Oy! Read it here and mark it down. This dude is going to be FAMOUS one day....He is one of those Indian genius' that we see on like, Orpah. He is going to kick it into high gear and kick it with Oracle! But he is one of those well rounded types, that has an actual soul and depth and understands the meaning of life, you know, one of those old wise souls that seems to have brought all his past life experiences with him to this life? Yeah he is one of those...AND HE LOVES MUSIC! A complete dream he is I tell you....A sincere heart that has been a kind friend to me. THANK YOU! (Jee Jee I know you hate when I say thank you....per kya karu yaar?) It is heart felt and I feel must show my gratitude for the hours of laughter and punjabi 101 classes and music and just the passing of time when I thought I didn't know how I would get thru those moments. BTW who the hell told you to be across the world in Ludhiana, Punjab eh? This virtual chai-ing is not as satisfying lol!

And then there is my crazy-assed Nigga...Ron! LOL! He is the characterization of what every desi girl despises in a desi boy, but yet can't seem to get enough of....He is what I would define as a HOUND! Rude, crude and shocking, but here, come closer, sssshhhhhh.... swear not to tell anyone....He is one of the nicest people I have met in a long long time. See the thing is you can't shock a shocker, althou he tries so hard to throw me off....he just can't and that is where our laughter comes in and he is man enough to admit quite honestly that, it never goes the way it's suppose to with me, cos I can actually trump him most of the time lol....And so we have a wonderful banter that keeps us both going on our A-game. Note: He will call me a liar for saying he is a decent guy, tell you I am full of shit. But it's ok, let him keep his bad boy image, it's working for him. And I would hate to tarnish his rep with the ladies LOL!

Yusa: my English mate who never minces words and tells it to you straight! But I can't help but laugh even when he is being stern cos I get so distracted with his British lingo and that accent even when he is annoyed, well bloody hell it is an experience. He is my coach....and somehow he always comes in when he knows I am down, will rub salt in the wound, mentally box me knock me out and then pull me back up again and knock me out again, until he sees that I can't be knocked down anymore, then he will say ahh my work is done....He has made me emotionally stronger and has always cut away the bullshit that I like to tell myself to rationalise, he is my clarity my purity and sometimes I don't like him much, but my affection for him will always remains constant, becasue he is real.

Faluri: My friend of the heart and history that even the elephants can't remember, but she does! She remembers everything...She is like my lighthouse, can't always see her, but you know that she is there, and when it gets foggy and you think you are lost, you can always see her light and find your way home.

WOW! How blessed am I? And imagine these are just the tip of the ice burg, there are so many others that touch my life family, friend, strangers, aquaintances that help me get by....sigh....I feel so humbled at this moment. I take those around me for granted, and I am glad that tonight I have been able to take a moment to re-connect by mind and spirit and be aware again of those indivduals who are making my life's adventure so much more interesting and colourful....

Too all of you mentioned and not mentioned, I, with sincere heart and love give thanks to you all....You all make my life memorable and at moments a comedy and I can truly say I would never want to trade my life for anyone else's.

Deeper than a Cut, Harder than a Bullet.....

LET ME ROAR!

Let me scream and shake my fists!

I destroyed a relationship with a man who felt so much for me, for a typical man who didn't want me? Somebody slap me in the face!

My poor Azie....sigh.... what did I do to him? I mind fucked him so large, and now my heart hurts for him. How can I be angry with him or hurt by him, his resentment and rage is due to the way I treated him. Mind you his anger is cutting but I can comprehend it. He wanted me, he wanted a relationship with me, in his moments of intoxication all he did was plead with me to see him, to care for him, to be gentle with him, treat him right, but I was sooo preoccupied with myself, so lost in my own insanity, that I never saw how he was bleeding from my lack of compassion and attention.

And Allah forgive me, unfortunately, I can not reverse the damage that is done from this.

I can't change how I have hurt him and how he has retaliated and hurt me. We are such a conundrum, we can't live with each other but we miss each to no end when we are not speaking....If only I could tell him the truth, the whole story A-Z but he would definitely never ever understand, I don't even understand now that I step back, how will he? I hate getting myself into these shaddy situations, because they always backfire and somehow they always come back to haunt you...

Why did I compare him, when he was incomparable, he was my Lion (Azlan means Lion in pashtu) long sleek and smooth, brand name wearing, white shoe dancing crazy assed mother fucker.....He made me laugh with his messed up blue tooth that irritated me to no end, and his habban, habbda, hanana, urdu that I always had to have him repeat 3 times (and he always did) with his poker face like nothing was shocking to him, always cool as ice with a burning inferno inside... he wanted all of me, marked, scarred, flawed, but I didn't have all of me to give because I had so blindly served myself to a spirit who had no value for me. I gave it away to a man who I was just a fantasy for, and fantasies are flexible, fading, and replaceable....but for Azie he wanted me to be his reality.

He was definitely one in a million, and if I am honest with myself he was true, a true lover, after all the months of complete dysfunction he still kept finding a way to stay connected..comming back to me, in his own way loving me, see this is pure emotion...anger hate sadness rage love passion connection but never an amputation.

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Lesson learnt I suppose...Inshallah one day we will find a way to forgive each other for the hurts we have inflicted on one another....I miss him...I have been unfair, unkind and have even used him to stitch myself back together again one too many times, having said that he has been a right bastard himself, per chalo, that is our dynamic....pure water and oil, and completely flammable, but an adventure none the less....

Hmmmm...time will tell, how this story unfolds....something tells me ain't quite over yet....

Fuck off Already

you said you loved me much...you lied
you said you would never forget me...you lied
you said you would never leave me...you lied
you said you would never disrespect me....you lied
you said your heart beat for me....you lied
you said you would always be there for me...you lied
you said no one made you feel the way i did....you lied
you said you would always be my best friend...you lied
you said you would name your daughter after me....you lied
you said you would make me a part of your life, as your friend...you lied
you said you wanted to do nikkah with me...you lied
you said no one made you hard like i did....you lied
you said you had never talked to anyone the way you talked to me....you lied
you said i was the first thing you thought of when you woke up...you lied
you said i was the last thing yhou thought of when you went to sleep....you lied
you said you would leave your nishanee with me....you lied
you said you would make love to me like no other ever had....you lied
you said you would be angry with me, but you would always forgive me....you lied
you said you had never met anyone like me....you lied
you said i was the most beautiful woman you had ever met...you lied
you said i made you laugh....you lied
you said you would never make me feel like a whore....you lied
you said you would never let me go....you lied
you said you didn't want to hurt me....you lied
you said you would never lie to me....YOU LIED YOU LIED YOU LIED!

To the Boys I have loved...

Today, from this very moment it stops...
No more....

If somone wants to leave you and seperate from you, they just need that one single catalyst to be able to walk away from you, in truth they have been looking for an out.....and once they have their perfect 'excuse' they will go, without a backward glance.

Harden heart, justification in fist, and nothing can change their resolve.

This is the opportunity they have been waiting for, and the luxury of it is, that they are enabled to lay blame at your feet. "You did this, so it because of you I am walking away..."

BULLSHIT!

You are walking away because you wanted to walk away, you have just found your escape route in me......

If someone wants to stay...they talk...they fight...they hate...they converse...but they don't just amputate....because the loss of their 'loved' one from their life would be more devestating than what ever they have done to enrage you....

When you love...truly love....somehow we are blinded and can always find a way to forgive, and find our way back into their embrace....

I wanted someone who didn't want me....and was looking for away out....how can I cry for someone like that anymore? How can I ask why from someone like that?

So today it stops....

No more tears....

No more anguish...

No more questions...
No more hopes....

Just NO MORE!

Thank you to Amanji and Fari Bai for the tough love and kick in the ass!

Ik Sitam Aur Meri Jaan

Amanji you are never going to let my heart heal with beautiful tracks like this....sigh...

ORIGNAL VERSION:


Shafqat Amanat ALi's Version:




jaan abhi jaan baaqi hai
dil mein ab tak teri ulfat ka nishaan baaqi hai
ik sitam aur meri jaan abhi jaan baaqi hai

jurame-tooheen-e mohabbat ki saza de mujh ko
kuch to mehroom-i ulfat ka sila de mujh ko
jism se rooh ka rishta nahi toota hai abhi
haath se sabar ka daaman nahi choota hai abhi
abhi jalte hue khawaboon ka dhuaan baaqi hai

ik sitam aur meri jaan abhi jaan baqi hai

apni nafrat se mere pyar ka daaman bhar de
dil-e gustaakh ko mehroom-e mohabbat kared
daikh toota nahi chahat ka haseen taj mehal
aake bikhre nahi mehki hui yadoon ke kanwaal
abhi taqdeer ke gulshan mein khizaan baaqi hai

Ik Sitam aur meri jaan abhi jaan baaqi hai
dil mein ab tak teri ulfat ka nishaan baaqi hai
ik sitam aur meri jaan abhi jaan baaqi hai

Penny for you Thoughts....

The Want List....

I don't want to be a sad song anymore.

I don't want to live in this fog of bitterness.

I don't want to be so tired.

I want to pick up feet and not feel like my shoes are full of lead and I can't pick up stride.

I want to forget everything.

I want to feel whole again.

I want this greyness to bloom into colour.

I want to let go of my anger and forgive.

I want to say it's ok, it's just life.

I don't want to struggle everyday to accept that this is the right thing.

I want it to be ok to love him forever, even if he doesn't love me.

I want to allow myself to feel free to touch another again.

I want to listen to sappy love songs and sigh.

I want to say that will be me one day.

I don't want to hope that it will make sense someday.

I don't want to be left drowning in all these unsaid words.

I don't want to be afraid to untangle myself from the memories I have wrapped myself in.

I want a fresh canvas.

I want my smile to reach my heart and eyes.

I want to want You to be happy.

I want to be filled with gratitute for what I have been blessed with in my life.

I want to be less milacious and hurtful.

I don't want to be his mistake.

I want to LET IT GO!

I don't want to cry anymore please.

I want to feel goodness again.

I want to believe in honesty.

I want to believe in trust.

But I think I will just start with believing it's all going to be ok.

The Line that Binds us...

So Amanji and I were chatting about religion...He being Hindu punjabi and I Shia Muslim, so the discussion began with my mention of once being referred to as "nothing more than a Sulli..." and although when I first heard this, it kind of just went over my head, but I now realised that it has effected me more deeply than I had expected, how could my value as a woman be dismissed merely because I was a Muslim? How could it be that, despite the fact that I am funny and respectful and cultured and real and honest and educated and compassionate, I am not worthy of respect? Amanji said it was all in the mind, the narrow point of view, that allows them to stay safe in their dogmas, but that didn't make me feel better.

See the thing, I think I have always been blessed with a sense of ignorance as far as the intolerance that exists in the world is concerned. In truth I have never been one to really be hung up on where a person is from, what religion, caste or creed they were born into....Maybe that has to do with the fact that I am a cultural junkie, I love to hear, discover and connect with individuals from diverse backgrounds, and I have rarely if ever been force to make a judgement on an individual based purely on these these defining factors. For me, it's about whether what you say and do connects with my heart and mind. It would seem I have naively always believed people are people, and if you say I am Sikh, Jain, Morman, Bahi, Hindu....my first response would be :oh so you are different then me really? OK so then teach me something, educate me...

You see...being born a Shia Nizari Ismaili Muslim is the greatest gift I have been graced with, it has been a path that has taught me to be liberal and open minded towards others...it has given me a route to a spiritual realm that gives me solace and peace. The path I follow is an esoteric path and we are in a constant search for the hidden aspects of life (the soul's journey, spiritual enrichment, etc etc...)rather than the obvious, we are not dogmatic nor fanatical, we are not violent or political, we are not hateful and strongly believe that diversity is strength. Our spiritual leader the Aga Khan is constantly encouraging our jamat to be progressive and forward thinking, to keep a global perspective. And the key to all of this is, the belief that we must must, absolutely must use our intelligence as the vehicle for our search towards spiritual enlightenment.

And because of our modern outlook and perspective we have been outcast persecuted and we are misunderstood by much of the world including the Muslim Umma, but we do not retaliate against these misconception with anger or tyranny...we converse, we educate, we agree to exchange ideas, we set examples as to what our beliefs are and how we practice them within the global community, but should there be a danger of conflict or argument that may ignite from this exchange, we are taught to diffuse it by accepting that they are entitled to their opinion any I to mine....Mowla said to us....you can not fight ignorance unless they are willing and open to truly understanding and if they are not willing, walk away, just walk away there is no point in wasting their time and your time if their minds are shut.

I am so completely heart broken that the link that connects every single soul is so easily dusted over with fear and hate. It's beyond me how it is so difficult to accept that God is God, in whatever name you may call Him. I want some to explain to me...how can a Christian God, or Jewish God or Muslim God or a Hindu God or Sikh God or any God that you believe in, be so elitist, I mean from my understanding of God...He is the Creator...He is Merciful...He is Everlasting...He is Absolutely Forgiving...He is Beyond the Physical Realm...He Altruistically Loving...He is ALL Knowing...I mean this is a very bare definition of what I believe God to be...but doesn't this cover the basics of all the definitions of God in all religions?

SO WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM? I mean OK different religions knocking one another, so they can claim that they are superior, although redundant in my mind...I can understand...it is human nature to want to be the "CHOSEN" ones...it's a need for validation that what you believe or trust in is the "truth"and pure...But what I don't understand is the in fighting within the Ummas...Christians fighting Christian...Muslims annihilating their own...Hindus outcasting one another...

It hurts my heart when I think of the lack of understanding amongst our own communities...Our foundations are the same, we are from the same religious family tree, we just branched out, why is that so unacceptable? why is it so scary?

In our own personal families, do we not have members who have chosen different paths who have headed in various directions? Does that mean that they are still not rooted in our hearts? Are they no longer our family? So why are we unable to be that unconditional in our Divine families?

It is so fruststrating to me that we limit ourselves and our souls by not embracing our diversity, and refusing to accept that our differences can actually be our strengths and enable us to learn from one another...Don't get me wrong...I am not saying that we should dilute into one another...because these are our roots, our heritage, our history, this is where we came from and has given us our communities and a sense of belonging...

All I am suggesting is that maybe...just maybe we can attempt to be a little less judgemental and narrow minded, maybe we can see the line that binds us all rather than disparities that pull us apart. My view may seem naive but it is just a thought and hope to make our hearts a little bit lighter from the burden that animosity carries...

It's just up to us to decide how we want to live in our religions...It can be in love or in obstinance...

Politics and propaganda of fear and terror have dishonored our Faiths... (Another conversation for another day...)

So he says he loves me....

And the txt read: "I love you! xo xo xo "

The man says he loves me....and somehow this enrages me.

I don't want him to love me, I don't want that guy to love me, I don't want you or them to love me....I don't want to hear the word love anymore.

I am tired of the word love...I am exhausted by the rote repetition I have heard of this word over the last couple of years. It has become a hollow word, a senseless word.

You see we use this word too loosely, and in truth love is such a precious word, so very precious. It is a word that so many lonely souls in the world would die to hear just once from a sincere heart. It is a word that encompasses the entire spectrum of emotions and sensations within it, from anguish to ecstasy.

But to me it has merely become a cliche, something to say when you're not quite sure what else to say.....

In the last few months I have learnt that I will no longer use this word so freely and conveniently, because I have mocked the essence of what the term love is and I am saddened by that and I can only justify saying I love you, when, what you and I share is truly worthy of being honoured with the word love.

I mean trust me, I will not shy away from telling you I am completely in lust with you, or madly infatuated with you or that I am falling deeply in trust with you....but to hear me say the L word, damn baby! you better be something as spectacular as the Halley's comet and just as rare....

Sigh, I am tired of these dime a dozen boys pretending to be men types. I want a man that has the balls to realise that life is short, and we are only given x amount of days to fulfill our hopes dreams and aspirations, why fuck around and waste these precious moments on total bullshit? Why? I just don't have the time for it anymore.

See I have decide I will only sit up and pay attention to the man who understands that love isn't just a word we use to describe and umbrella all the different sensations we feel when we think of someone. Love is an action we display to the one who inspires such raw emotion as well.

I mean when we love we will throw ourselves over one another body mind and spirit to protect them from whatever harm or pain that may come to them, because we can't bear to see them suffer.

And when we love there will be a quiet strength and belief that no matter how mad the world and how difficult the journey maybe, we will be able to hold on to one another and get thru it, together, as one entity.

And when we love, we will not use our words as weapons to cut, mutilate, or destroy the spirit of the one we feel this affection for, rather we will shower them with soft whispers of emotion that bubble up from the core of us.

And when we love we are devoid of judgement or fear, we accept all that is dark, dirty and freaky about our lover, because there is that trust it will never be turned against one another.

And oh my when we love, truly love with purity and honesty, we will revel in the calm and freedom that we have found in one another.

Bloody hell, I have yet to truly experience any of these actions though, I thought I had, sigh but sadly I realised it was more about what I hoped I could and would feel rather that what was real.

But when I do feel all that I have described, and I know in the core of me I will...once my man can show me all his words are just as functional in action, I will let my tears fall and I will bow my head to the ground in a shukrana ka sajaada to my God every single day for gracing me with such a gift.

But until then keep your I love you and ishq vishq yous and what ever else yous...cos I don't believe you!

But here is what I do believe tonight....

Just to be able to snuzzle that perfect curve of a man, where the shoulder and neck meet and inhale deeply that divine scent...that is real.

To be able to wrap my arm around a man's waist and hook my thumb in the back of his pants to hold him close....that is real.

To be able to feel the strength of a man's chest under my cheek as we sway to some sexy Maxwell track....that is real.

To feel a man's head sleek with sweat from kissing you....that is real.

To feel a man's fingers looped loosely thru yours, just to let you know he is there....that is real.

To feel his breath on top of your head and thru your hair....that is real.

No complications, no stuttered words, just the reality of touch and need.

And that is all the reality I need tonight.

Keeping it Real...

I need to vent about a simple principle that seems to be lost on us people today and I just don't understand why...

Why is it so hard for us to say what we mean and mean what we say?

I find that...(and I know I have done this too) we have a tendency to say what we think sounds good or appropriate at that moment...but in actuality there is really no conviction in what we say...why do we do this?

I find it strange...see this is how I see it...now I'm not talking about secular relationships here i.e. bosses...in-laws...weird strangers...no in these situations you must say and do what ever is necessary to survive the moment... what I'm talking about are those lucky duckies we call our friends...lovers...partners...etc...the people we have supposedly allowed into our 'circle of trust'...( I hated the movie meet the parents...but this line was profound to me)...if we have allowed them to become a permanent part of our lives why do we fear them in this way...yes it can only be called fear because we are not able to stand strong and be truly sincere and honest because we think we are going hurt their feelings or that we may cause what we consider an un-necessary friction...but doesn't that mean that the foundation of that relationship is based on bullshit? Do we not have the confidence that we can have an all out fight but at the end of the day we know we will still be making love, or drinking our chai and laughing at the fool at the table next to us? Can it be true that relationships of the modern day are built on houses of cards, that can fold if the wind shifts?

I find this all very confusing...maybe it goes back to my black and white thinking...but I just cant understand what the hell all the games are for...if you like me tell me you like me...why you gotta play...if you don't like me just say bugger off...and mixed signals what the fuck is that? I mean bloody well know your mind and shoot straight...

I'm sorry folks I was not born to be a diplomat...no I am guerrilla trench fighting say it how it is wonderfully colourful diva who just ain't got patience for double talking bozos

You see I've realized that every word we write say or read has an intention and a karma behind it...as I believe Rudyard Kipling so poignantly put it for me...'Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind..."and it's true...we use them to manipulate and educate and fabricate...and I have become so very aware of what I am saying and with what purpose...I know I have used my words to manipulate...and I'm not proud of that and to be quite honest I wasn't even aware consciously that, that was my intention...but I do now...and I know that words that are not originated from true sincerity have no value or meaning and in actuality the thoughts and feelings that were trying to convey will ultimately be lost because they were not real.

Anyways the point is lets us all try to be a bit more aware of the intention behind our words...because when we misuse them...they have a tendency to cause heartache and mistrust and sometimes the destruction of the relationship that you were originally trying so hard to attain...

I know this because I've done it...so dont do it...the feeling sucks!

oh yeah?

Ashie's Disclaimer....

So here I am...looking for some peace of mind and solance, and somehow when I write I find that I am able to pull out more from deep within me. Writting is my island, it is where I come to find quiet and I feel so very invigerated when I have finished writting, b/c sometime when I re-read what I have written, I surprise myself and wonder where the hell did that come from...This is where I am me...and I don't want to be caught up in the whole myspace and facebook insanity, and so I have come here to see where this path shall lead me.

Look should you find this blog and you know me, and you read something you don't like or don't understand, I don't bloody care...this place isn't for your fragile sentimentalities this place is for me....just me and if you want to read, read it and realise that this isn't about you him, her or them. Just let me be free here, if you want to judge, find a friend and tell them, share your disdain with them...

I will not sugar coat, I will not censor, I will not break down and write what I think ppl want to hear...I will not worry about grammar or spelling, I am not looking to win a prize of any sort. I just need this place to hammer it all out....And I will write about the same things over and over and I will write stupid things and brilliant things and I will write hurtful things and I will write tender things....But I really just want to write...And I may write 10 times a day or I may not write for weeks, but just allow me the freedom to write when I want to...

So now that I have hammered out my disclaimer to myself and those of you who should read this...And I have found my very own corner to get comfortable in, I am going to chill and reconnect, and find my mind again...

Cliche of Regrets

It is a miserable and cold day today and my only desire is to curl up under the blanket with a warm cup of tea and a good book...but alas the luxuries of yester-year are gone...My DARLING daughter has other plans for me today...she has begun by tearing all the CDs down from the storage unit and depositing them between the different parts of the stereo as though there is a drop box behind....ahh the true blessings of motherhood...how can I not laugh and enjoy her simplicity in amusement...

As I was chatting with a friend last night... he and I began talking about regrets and how they are redundant...but I don't know if they lack purpose all together...let me pose it this way to you...if we had no regrets how would we learn...? how would we recognize those moments and incidents that were a negative in our life and prevent ourselves from repeating them again? do we not need regrets for personal growth?I think it's become a cliché to say no regrets...and in all honesty I have some...

I mourn some of the choices I have made...but I also realize that those were moments in my life that were a necessary rite of passage that would enable me to learn...it is true when they say hind-sight is always 20/20...but we can't do better until we know better and we can't know better until the life lesson has been learnt...make sense...?

I think regret intermingles with remorse...shame...and a sense of loss...for what could have been...I regret not going to IIS to pursue my passion for knowledge...but now I have learnt that I will enable and ensure that my daughter has the confidence and freedom to attain all her passions...I regret not going for coffee with my friend when he was in Calgary...because I had made assumptions about his expectations...but I learnt maybe it would have been a good time and I'll be damn sure to meet him when I get the next opportunity...I regret running like a chicken shit from someone wonderful...in fear of rejection...but I had to feel that lose in order to accept that there is no way of controlling the way people will react to me...

I can only control how I handle myself and my fears...I've learnt to step back and relax and sing the that catchy tune...'Caisera Sera...whatever will be will...the future is not ours to see...Caisera Sera...' and I have that sense of freedom now...but I think it is a cycle...we must lose...to regret...to mourn and have remorse...and then finally learn the lesson...only then can you break the cycle...

The key is not to wallow, and I tell you this is a struggle...but I must be find away out of the fog otherwise I chance becoming consumed with the sheer sadness that threatens me...and then it is not merely a regret any more, which is meant to be a catalyst for change...but becomes a cancer on the psyche that will ultimately erode your confidence and belief in your own power to make it different for the next time...

I know I know I'm too intense and think to much...but I give you an interesting read and something to think about...I believe that everyday...every single day is a journey towards a better self... I can't allow myself to ignore the whispers that are sent...I must listen and learn and be grateful that I am not willing to live in a void of denial...