My way out....

It feels like it has been eons since I have written....but I am starting to feel the urge to slowly rejoin the world....

It has been a mad few weeks in my head, so much came crashing down at the same time, and I felt like I was being sucked into the quicksand of darkness in my head.

So I just stopped....Just stopped functioning with the rest of world, I just turned my mind my off, and tried to just build a safe barrier against the tears and pain that all came rushing back at me.

When will it just all go away? When will his thoughts and presence finally disappear all together from my life, it's like God is testing me...and is almost mocking me at times...and maybe it is because I am just not learning the lesson I am suppose to learn or maybe it just random karma, but whatever it is, it kicked my ass and knocked me out.

But you know what sometimes we gotta go thru shit like this na? I mean how else do we build ourselves to become stronger and wiser and more compassionate. My Mom always uses the diamond as an example, she'll say look at how precious the diamond is, but look at how that stone went thru to become so brilliant. I like that example, my mom, I am telling you is one smart lady.

Maybe it is all about learning my limits and boundaries, and knowing that I need to step off the path I am on, and try a less traveled path and see where that leads, cos right now I feel like a fish, flip flopping out of water....sigh....

But I can feel the fingers of reason massaging my senses and making me lucid once again, and hopefully in due time, it will all make sense once again....

....

ਮੌਤ ਤੇ ਵੀ ਸਾਨੂੰ ਯਕੀਨ, ਉਹਨਾਂ ਤੇ ਵੀ ਐਤਬਾਰ ਏ, ਦੇਖੋ ਪਹਿਲਾਂ ਕੌਣ ਆਉਂਦਾ, ਦੋਨਾਂ ਦਾ ਇੰਤਜ਼ਾਰ ਏ

Taj Mahal Style Love....

I wrote this about a year after my ex husband and I split up...I thought you know God is really busy and the world is a mess, and I figure he's got a lot going and really he's top priority is not match making. So I thought ok, his side kick angels must be on this full time, and I think it would only be decent of me to at least give them a hand and make a life a bit easier....So I got this list together to point them in the right direction....and here is what I came up with:

He will be HONEST and drip with INTEGRITY and HONOUR
He will love my child, the way he loves me, unconditionally and whole heartedly....
He will encourage me to be a better parent and he will join me in this challenge...
He will face push thru his fears to love me....
He well be educated and stable, and have ambition and allow me to part take in his journey....
He will love his family and will allow me to love mine, and we will accept them as OUR families...
He will be a bad boy with a heart, and compassion...
He will be sharp and witty
He will make me feel secure and safe and whole....
He will be spiritual and have faith that God has a plan for him....and we will believe blindly together....
We will not be afraid to challenge one another and say 'what the hell are you doing'...
We will push one another and force each other to face our fears, because we will provide unconditional support and strength...
We will marvel at each other’s brilliance and not allow it to be eclipsed...
We will lean on each other as crutches when our hearts are breaking,
We will force ourselves to move forward together no matter how much it will hurt, because we understand that wallowing in our sorrow will merely suck the light out of our beings..
We will banter and laugh and laugh and laugh....until we are exhausted...
He will be allowed to honest, and tell me when my ass is looking fat and I will firmly explain how much his feet stink…
He will love me more as he watches me sleeping and I will cherish him when he is vulnerable and confused ...
We will respect each other even as we fight, because we WILL understand that we fight about the principle behind the action, rather than the action it's self...
We will sing to one another...
We will dance when there is no music...
We will talk politics and art at the breakfast table, because our exchange of intelligence is our biggest aphrodisiac...
We will boldly display affection because we are not shy, but feel proud that I am his and he is mine...
We will read endless books and contemplate the new perspective we have discovered...
We will agree to disagree when we feel the other one is full of shit...
We will intertwine with one another to become the strength of two and will set our roots into one another...
We will accept all that is paradoxal and incomprehensible about one another because that is part of our charm...
He will wake in the middle of the night to make love to me because he missed me and wanted me to feel his heart...
I will be his muse, I will be his insipiration and move him in away no other has...

I do belive my number is 21570000985...so only a few more to go....

Pass the bloody Kleenex...

Oh maa....I am sooo sick....NO, it is not the H1N1 or the swine flu or whatever else is floating around out there....I have just the shittiest head cold, God could ever create. And I hate hate hate medication. Me and tablets have this sort of agreement, I hate you, but I will use if you my life depends on it, type of agreement.

I have so much going on that I want to get out, but on unfortunately, it can't seem to find it's way out of the muscus which has congested my head....These bloody boogers are like terrorists, highjacking my thoughts and the throwing them around in my head like hand grenades....it's all very painful...

OH and noise....my poor child thinks her name is SHHHHHH....please....really she doesn't understand that althou she is sooo cute when she talks, her volume is bloody broken, and I am not sure how to fix it. I have been tempted a few times just to stuff her mouth with really chewy candies, so maybe her jaw will stay stuck shut for a bit...but then again I know my little one and all she will do is screach and holler, she don't need words man, let me tell you....

I am no going to try and hide somewhere really quiet and dark, somewhere no one would think to look....Oh yes I know the chair in the basement, where I take all my I don't want anyone to hear calls....Let's see how long I can hide for....

Sigh.....

Put your Lights on...

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say I've got nothing to fear

There's a darkness living deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, deep into my home
God, don't let me lose my nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Because there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I've got nothing to fear
La illaha illa Allah
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away

Ssssshhhh....

Sensuality...I love the word, I savour the word, I want to live the word.

Sensuality... the smell of a strong ripe fruit...
Sensuality...the fantastic lounge track playing in elevator...
Sensuality....the beautiful graffiti design on the side of some poor man's truck....
Sensuality....the taste of dark chocolate which lingers on your tongue.
Sensuality....the culmination and jubliation of senses that come alive and excited by all the experiences to be found in the mundane of life....


Sensuality....the symphony of bodies....
Sensuality...the dash of perfume in the hollow of her neck....
Sensuality....the khol that outlines her eyes....
Sensuality...the silky stocking that encases her firm calf muscle....


Sensuality...the scruff of his beard from yesterday...
Sensuality...the open collar of his white shirt...
Sensuality...the smell of soap on his skin....
Sensuality....the music that plays in his car....


Sensuality...his smile....
Sensuality...her laugh....
Sensuality...his fingers tracing over the softness of her fore arm....
Sensuality....her skin raising in goose bumps in reaction....


Sensuality....his fingers tracing over the curve of her shoulder....
Sensuality...her head resting over his heart listening to the steady rhythm....
Sensuality....his breath in her ear whispering all that he wants from her....
Sensuality....her soft whispers in reply....


Sensuality....his fingers in her hair...
Sensuality....her fingers in his hair...
Sensuality...breath on breath....
Sensuality...arms entwined around one another's waists to hold each other steady....


Sensuality.....hmmmmm.....the rest?....welll a girl can't kiss and tell now can she?

The Good, the Bad, the Passion...

Mahi Ve....

For some reason I am completely in love with this song! I have listened to it God only knows how many times since I discovered it earlier today...But I had to post it.

I mean this blog is like my scrap book of all that I have loved, do love and will love, so how can I not add this to my compilation na?

Momentary Perfections

Hmmm...there is not a single event in my life that has happened randomly.I have been here thinking about the last few years, and each moment and each experience has somehow flawlessly slipped into the next experience I was meant to have. It is rather mind boggling actually.

Events seemingly silly and irrelevant which may have not lasted even a few days or moments, have somehow had monumental effects on me. And it would seem to me that somehow these types of stories and events can only happen to me...(trust me, stick around long enough and you will understand how quirky my life is...)

Here is one particular instance....

Let me tell you a story about Marianne and her lover "The Crow" (I am just telling the story, don't ask me what that's about ok?) Anyways Marianne and I randomly met over Yahoo Answer, I go to ask questions, and answer some questions if I can, and well one of her answers about her experience with a past lover really touched me.

The question was : What is it about a past lover that has lingered with you?

Marianne's Answer : I remember that when I was with him, it seemed like we created the purest essence of humanity together, the distilled essence of human sexuality.
Being with him made me feel cleaner and purer than anything else I have done.
I had him 35 years ago.

This Momma is now 60 years old and she still remembered him so clearly. So I had to contact her and asked her how she was able to resolve such an emotion, I mean how was she able to let go of him? So she explained her story to me.

She was married at that time, and was having an affair, with this man. She felt he was the her true love, but her husband found out and they moved from Michigan to California, and she had no choice but to go with him because she had 2 small children to raise. But now that they are grown and are having children of their own, she had decided she was going to find her lost love again, seeing she she had agonized over his loss for over three and a half decades.

Mind you she is still married, but she doesn't have as much to lose now.

Anyways she states she is contemplating getting in touch with him and one fine day I get a msg from her saying she had called him...She had tracked him down thru the net and found his number in the 411 listings and one day after 3 fear filled attempts she finally was able to keep the courage to stay on the line until he answered....And they spoke for nearly an hour. And they reminisced and laughed and he informed her he had never married, his military lifestyle wasn't conducive to the nuclear family lifestyle, and he was still single.....

Well she gushed on about all the good stuff and I sent her a msg saying that I was happy for her, and that I wished her well and told her to enjoy every moment, because in truth re-uniting with a lost love is all bonus time, I suggested she not take any of it for granted and just savour every moment. I know, I know she is married, but I am not her conscious, I am a stranger to her , and I am a bleeding romantic what can I do...You read her answer, imagine reconnecting with someone you feel that way about? Who am I to judge her moral character?

Anyways I could sense she was giddy and excited and elated at re-connecting with him again, so I wished her well and asked her to keep me posted....And well today I received a msg from her, asking if I still wanted to hear her story, I said, well of course! I mean this has to have a happy ending na?

Hmmmm...not so....at least not from my point of view.

She told me over the years, he had become a heavy drinker and was a biker and a trucker, lol....for her these were not her scene, she seems a bit pish posh, and stated she would not be caught dead on the back of a bike, but anyways, it would also seem that his years of living hard and partying hard, had made his drinking a bit of an issue and had clouded alot of the memories he had of the past.

So delicately put, he didn't remember her in the same way she had been remembering him for the last 35 years....

OUCH!

And that is when I realised that, we can never look back with hopeful eyes that maybe one day we will be given a momentary chance to be able to re-capture what was. That moment was meant exactly for that allotted time slot on your life line. After feeling her hurt and disappointment I realised I don't think I ever want a chance to re-connect with any of my past lovers in the future....

There have been beautiful memories I have made in the last few years, but I think that they need to remain encased and framed in the treasure box that they rest in within me...You see when I think of those perfect moments I smile. They make me feel light, and allow the butterflies to flutter on the insides of my tummy for a moment or two as I remember the feeling they gave me. And to chance ruining those treasures, with the reality of how the harshness of life has changed and alter who they used to be when they were so priceless to me, just seems so unnecessary.

I mean, our paths separated for a reason right? We cannot change what has happened, so let it be.

See I can now accept that are reasons that are beyond my understand, why situations turn out the way that they do, but it's ok because it is now time to make new memories, and uncover more beautiful treasures.

Those memories are waiting there for me, to discover them, to have them, to make a home for them. I mean in truth, I can never ever say my life has been boring. So how can I believe that life will be any less of a joy and adventure now?

Yes no doubt, I am sad that certain experiences didn't last longer, but you know what? Those experiences have just stretched the possibilities of what I may experience in the future. I have opened myself up a bit more and have learnt more, and hence I will have the ability to broaden my horizons even further, and experience even more depth then I already have. According to Mom, these experiences are merely preparing me for what is to come, for the experiences, the people, the opportunities that are impatiently waiting to make their way into my life....The past is just the ground work, the foundation for the rest of my life and happiness to build on....

I LOVE MY MOM! She is a good wise woman.

So althou my heart goes out to Marianne and I wish it had been a happily ever after ending, I must say thank you to her for coming into my life and giving me a lesson that will save me many sleepless nights and wonderings as to the what if, and what was....

It was what it was and it was perfect and beautiful in that moment....but it was for that moment in time, and that is where it should remain, that is it's home and that is where it belongs....

Pyaar ke Pal...

Life is so short and so unpredictable, that we need to make ourselves conscious of staying completely aware in the moment that we are blessed with....The love that we feel, the laughter we share, the beauty of pure emotion that we are given in any one specific moment is a blessing... Be true to it, cherish it, treasure it, because in truth, we don't know if tomorrow we will be granted the same opportunity.

Hum, rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal yaad aayenge ke ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya
Chhoti si, hai zindagi
Kal, mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Hum rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal, yaad aayenge ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya
Chhoti si, hai zindagi
Kal, mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Shaam ka aanchal, odh ke aayee dekho woh raat suhani
Aa likh dein hum dono milke apni ye prem kahani
Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Aane waali subah jaane rang kya laaye deewanee,
Meri chaahat ko rakh lena jaise koi nishani
Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Hum rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal, yaad aayenge ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya chhoti si hai zindagi
Kal mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal
Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

What the Hell was that?

HOLY FUCK!

Ok so I am sitting here in the middle of the night, minding my own business listening to my Naaths, feeling all peaceful like...when an old acquaintance, hesitant to call a friend dings me on msn.

Cool haven't talked to him in months and all the conversations we have had until now have been very very polite and cordially almost boring I would have to say. When all of a sudden he says "do you mind if i I turn on my cam?" I think ok no worries...He is a young man of 26, he is still in his peacock period, wanting to show me all his 6 foot 5 inches of glory. He is an Iranian warrior and oh so pretty, so I think why not, eye candy at this time, is always a nice way to go to bed.

So I brace myself for some idle chit chat and have already started thinking of ways to get out of a long winded conversation about nothing, but of course only after I have checked the boy out. So he shows his face, thick chin length hair, goatee and very pretty features, but not in a faggy way. So I say not bad, but way too young for me...So I start to prepare my exit and have started the set up when he says to me, he is sad he couldn't meet me this summer, how sweet na? Awww I think, but I explain to him I wasn't in the head space to make any new connections this summer, of course he goes on to compliment and explain how attractive I am blah blah blah and all of a sudden his ding dong (yeah exactly what you are thinking)is right there on the screen!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON I AM THINKING! AND WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO HERE?

First I had to stop laughing, cos althou I am shocked at the turn of events and personality in this young man, this is so lame! I mean COME ON! I am 33 have been married and have a child, is a cock really going to freak me out? So I realise this is a game of wits....He is expecting me to scold him like a little boy and tell him how shameful it all is, and be a typical prude, which it seemed he has had some experience with.....Instead I ask "Is this a free show?"

Ok thank God I didn't have a web cam on, other wise this poor boys ego would have been shot, I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING! How horrible, but really? Is this what young men of today have deteriorated to? Bloody hell is this where gentlemanly behaviour is heading? My poor poor little one...what hope does she have of finding a good man in today's world, where it is so simple to whip out your manhood and show it off like a trophy, when sometimes it is better just to keep it hidden in the dark.

And truth be told, IT COMPLETELY RUINS THE SURPRISE!

There is no imagination, no sensuality, no respect left for sexuality in today's world. It has become such a simple and ordinary thing to want to fuck who ever, where ever, when ever. It has lost it's magic, it's emotion, it's love....I swear, I DO NOT BELONG TO THIS GENERATION, I should have been born during the era of the Taj Mahal when love was so profound and so pure that a man would build a monument of that stature as evidence of his intensity and passion for the woman he loved....Where just the simple gentle touch of fingers on fingers was erotic, where sensuality was an art, that was taught and learnt.....

THAT IS THE LOVE I WANT!

And I would rather be alone than settle for these cock popping dime a dozen bozos who think this is that women want...sigh...have men become so lazy??

But HA! I called the little fucker's bluff that is for sure, he was a little flustered when he realised I wasn't going to let him off the hook, he wanted to play with fire, now play silly little boy, I casually surfed the digital art pages (which btw is my new fascination) while he did what he did....and then said Thanks for the show....goodnight....

Sigh...what an Idiot....he made me turn my Naaths off!

That's it!! I am going to join the Himalayan Monks, I mean at least there I will learn the discipline of releasing the disappointment of the physical world we are trapped in and maybe the sad reality of the caliber of men that are out there won't shock me repeatedly...

I am sincerely sorry to all the men reading this, if I have offended, but really is it asking too much for a little bit of class?? Just a touch?

Senseless...

He sits on my heart like a bloody stone.

Memories have faded, his name is not in a constant loop in my head, the need to understand why has all but disappeared, but yet like a presence, not seen, heard or to be touched, he is there!

WHY?

I just want it to be over now, completely gone and free.

I mean days can go by where not a single substantial thought of him comes to mind and then on Sunday morning I am awoken by this tidal wave of emotion and his memories came flooding into the core of me, I tossed and turned until 8 am when I finally caught a restless lull again.

But in those 4 hours, it felt like every single scar which had been healing and scabbing were ripped back open with the small knives of memories, I could feel them oozing with the blood of all my heart ache. The things we talked about, the feel of his skin, the dark places that we journeyed within each other, the laughter we didn't know we had within us....all of them washing over me wave after wave without mercy....

I wanted to cry, I felt the tears coming, but I refused them exit. I will no longer cry for what has been lost.
It is gone, P E R M E N A N T L Y!
For once I understand the concept of forever and it is as true as the permenance of death...What and who we were has died, it was not a peaceful death and it was not a death that any love would hope to die, but none the less it has been buried. And to keep mourning for what was and can never be again, makes no sense to me.

I do not hope to hear him again, I do not hope to see his face again, I do not hope to know the feel of his beard thru my fingers again. I have set those a drift on the river of the timeline of my life and I have watched those hopes slowly vanish into the sunset of what has passed. In fact I pray to my Allah, that I shall not even accidently walk in the same footpath that he has, nor should I by a cruel twist of fate even breathe the same air as him in a room or square foot area, not now, because I fear that all my strength and courage that I have gathered to let him go over the last few months will crumble into ash....

BUT I do pray, that Inshallah I will be stronger than I am now and will be able to withstand the sorrow of what had transpired between us should we cross each others paths durning the journey of our lives, and may I even be graced with the strength to smile and say hello, but in the mean time, until I have not built that fortress around my heart, I am content with him being on his side of life and I on mine...

2o Minute Lesson...

Ok here is what I have learnt in the last 20 mins...

1. If someone doesn't get your sense of humour, they are not likely to ever really get it.


2. If someone is in a dark place in their life, you can't be the one to rescue them, they have to be willing to pull back the drapes of sadness from their own life, and let the light in.


3. If someone doesn't have a social life, and would rather be working than spending time with themselves or with friends and other social creatures, there is something wrong.


4. If language and tone are an issue you are totally screwed, without communication what the hell do you have?!


5. If someone says they don't want to talk about their past, you know there is something really bad there or they are still raw, which already means trouble and you should be lacing up your sneakers to run.


6. If you have to work hard to make it feel right, IT'S NOT RIGHT!


7. If you are scared to be yourself, wtf are you still doing there?


8. If you are there because you are feeling sad for them, be prepared to put on the Dr. Phil hat for them....and decide whether you have it in you to save someone this week....I know, what about compassion? Don't have much of it atm. Sorry.


9. If you are saying sorry, I misunderstood you more than LOL...YOU ARE FUCKED!


10. And finally if you don't have a happy calm let me get to know you more feeling then why are you wasting your time?

OK I am outta here....

I can't handle another drama atm....No matter how pretty the package....

Kabul 2009

I swear to God, I don't do it on purpose...Really sincerely I don't. I don't even go looking for anyone, they just seem to find me, they say it is something about my smile, about my face....

WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS FACE OF MINE SAY??

I thought I finally had found a calm in my life...I have closed the chapter on my marriage, I feel like I am 95% over Sunny, I am feeling good about the direction of my life. And then like a bloody brick from the sky, comes along Mr Kabul 2009....WTF?!

Centeral Asian from Kabul, Ismaili, 6'2 (OMFG!), light curly hair, dimples to cry for, 30 and sweet and I have no idea how he found me, except that he found me on facebook lol, and people scoff at the networking site...ha I say to them, see it has it's benefits....;)

I love the attention don't get me wrong, but sincerely I don't want complications right now, and I say this each and every time and each and every time the situation gets complicated. FUCK!

Why is that when we were in highschool it was so easy for guys and girls to be mates, just mates? And now in our 3o's we all of sudden blur all the lines? Is it that now that we are older we are more sexual? bolder? freer? confident? Where have all the inhibitions that use to control us as kids disappeared to?

The days where we could flirt and hug and not have to worry about all the complicated stuff like, love, and relationships and the physical lust (althou I can't lie, I like that part). Hmmmm....and I thought being a teen was complicated and too much fun, but in truth I think being a grown up stuck in this maze is actually althou infuriating is actually rather exciting as well....I know I know, I sound confused, but so what I am. That is the best part about reinventing one's self, you get to think and sort and figure and try all types of thoughts, ideas, values and good times....I must say there have been days where I have wondered what being me was about, but never can I say that I have truly regreted being exactly who I am. Now Fuck Me and tell me how many people can actually say that huh???

Ok so back to Mr. Kabul...hmmm...he is new, let's see if he lasts a week, the beginning is always fun, it's like the challenge of putting a puzzle together, where do the pieces go, how do they fit, what is the final image going to look like....I like this part the best lol....

But I have this rule, it's my one week rule. If a man can last a week, then he has hope of being amusing, if he lasts more than 2 weeks he is growing on me...If he lasts a month, he is officially my friend, and then after that anything is possible na?

Oh bloody hell, why is that all of a sudden I miss Azie? NO NO NO NO! I don't it like when someone new does something like someone old and then all of a sudden you are thinking about the someone old when all you should be doing is setting fire to the memory of that someone old! Sigh...I think the hardest part of getting over the people from our past is the sensations they have left within us, the residue of the way they were, what made them unique to you, the little quirks they had that made them special to you.....but it all fades, everything in life with enough time, fades.....

White Marble....

This is what started my mad affair with Humble's Poetry....



Excuse Me Ms.
want to read your story
And I know it's wrong to judge a book by its cover
But I read your synopsis from behind
Read it a couple times, up and down up and down up down
Actually I read it every time u decide to turn around
So turn around for me girl
Dont get me wrong I know theres more to you than whats written on your jacket
And youre a hard cover doing everything to protect it
And before touching your first page, I don't mind hearing your prequel
Everything that makes you what you are... and even, what you aint
And I know I can't get your jist over one date
And I have to admit, I didn't catch all that was said
Lost between your eyes and your legs
Loving your lips jealous of your jeans how they was hugging your hips
Im an articulator so appreciate great art when I see it
But I feel u and I wan hear you tell me your story
And I know the best parts gon be in your centre book
But Im in no rush to get to that chapter
Theres a lot more b4 and even much more after
So let me take you one page at a time baby girl
And when I read you Im gon hold your spine baby girl
And your first half is the rising action introduce me to your character
Seduce me with profuse use of lovely language, youre a page turner
And when I hit your climax, I aint gon put you down
We gon cool you down, finish ever last word
Every last noun adjective and verb
Can think of a couple verbs I wan do to ya
Couple of adjectives that would adequately suit ya
Like soft smooth, beautiful, heavenly, underappreciated
Let me appreciate you girl
Im not doing this for myself, your not going back on the shelf
Once we're done Im gon read you again
And again and again until I know every word, every line, every quote
Every tear, every laugh, and every word you ever spoke
I wan to speak them with you, do anything to get wit you
So we can write a new chapter
Not concerned with your numerous previous nemisesi,
No word of a lie, experience is so necessary
U got a wealth of it girl, approaching me with your own personal world
Of lessons learns, cheeks caressed, emotional exchanges
Im green with envy of those already mentioned in your pages
But let me be your sequel, your final instalment
The comeupn's of your hardships, my name means prince, no need to proofread
No need to re-write how it already went down
And I got a story of my own
Story bout how I got grown, my own person tragedy
With pages ripped, corner ends flipped, chapters revisited...
Yea Im living in the past...
But now I see a future before me
More valuable than a Toni Morrison first edition
Quiet as it's kept; youre a hidden gem with dust on the cover
Discarded by a previous lover, betrayed by yet another
See this brown brother, and figure history to repeat
Only thing to repeat is my name out your lips so sweet
U can't pronounce it properly but I still think it's cute
Drink juice from your fruit, this poem is your own
Tribute to the absolute definition of truth
And the truth is in every movement involuntary
When your spine arches and sweat marches down to your lower back
With curves so perfect, resembles that of a violin, tuned to the perfect pitch
But switch to different frequencies, and I need to be close, so I can hear u (haaaw) inhale
And that breath tells me 1001 words, more than any picture, to decipher your scriptures
Need to manipulate your manuscript at all angles, youre an angel
With clipped wings, and rip dreams, I follow every word with my fingers
Eyes closed like brail
Lets write volumes of children
Have a whole library
Literature manifested from the love that me and u can create
Sorry I jumped a few pages
Don't even know your title...I mean your name
Excuse me ms. I jus wanna read your story

November 6 th.....

Happy Birthday Jaan...

D I V O R C E (d)

Sigh....

After 4 years of procastination and futile excuses, the papers have finally been signed and I have closed another chapter in my life...I am a divorced woman.

It has been more amusing to watch how people react to the news, for some odd reason their first response is a hestitant "Congrats.." Ummm...really? You are congratulating on my failed marriage...it is almost comical, and therefore I can't really get annoyed and in truth what is the right way to react to such news?

But I must admit the signing has been a catylst for a major Aha moment for me. As I have been reflecting on the chain of events that have occured in the last few weeks I noted that there was so much anger and resentment inside of me. And it had made everything so dark. And as I kept thinking about all this negativity, the image of the beautiful full moon that I saw on Monday kept looping in on my thought.

Let me tell you about this moon before I continue on with my thoughts.

The sky was completely clear, and the moon was HUGE, so beautiful and bright, and it gave me company as I walked to the meeting place where my ex and I were suppose to sign the papers with our mediator, which get this, happen to be CHUCKEE CHEESE. Yes only in my life would I sign my divorce agreement at such a venue, but it's a great fucking memory ain't it? But anyways, as I looked upon the moon when I was walking, for some reason the roshni of it's light, felt like it was healing me. I felt light, like the burden that had been sitting on my shoulders had been lifted, but I didn't quite comprehend it, all I knew was that when I made it to my meeting, I felt like it was all going to be ok. I mean yeah it sucks that we weren't able to make it work, but in my heart I felt like the seed of something wonderful had been planted. And all the hurt and anger and negativity was washed away by the light of this beautiful moon.

I had a lot of good times with Shafik... I mean I was with him since I was 18 and we spent 12 crazy years together. We saw hardships and great times, we partied hard and laughed even harded and we were great friends. We worked well together and pushed each other to the limits, we grew up together and in the end we gave each other the most beautiful gift we possible could, our little one. But the reality was that we had reached our final destination as husband and wife, and now our journey will continue as co-parents, but that is all we can be and that is our Qismat, and I can accept that now.

But what I realised last night and this morning was that I can not hold on to my anger and bitterness for all that went wrong, it happened, and nothing can change the end of the story, but I do know this if I hold on to that negativity it will eclipse all the roshni of all that was good between us, and my memories which I realised, are my moon, the are the moments that light up my life's journey and allow me to reflect smile and laugh and say damn that was a bloody good was wasn't it?....and I can not let my stubborness eclispe that beauty that I experienced.

He is a good man, caught in a circumstance, and in truth, we both need different things to be happy in life and that is ok....I just hope we both find what it is we are looking for.

I wish the best for him, and I hope happiness for him, and peace of mind. He was my husband, he was my friend, he is the father of my child and for that he will always have my affection.

Good things to you always Shafik.

Live long and strong....

And may happiness follow your every footstep....

(even on the days you piss me off...lol..)

Ya Ali Madad....

As the rips in my soul heal,

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the darkness dawns to light,

I call Your name Ya Ali....
As the ropes of fear which have had me entwined begin to shred,

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the love which lay frozen within me in the pond of dispondency begins to thaw,

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the Noor of your Haqiqat courses through my veins, my nerves, my senses...

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the gentle whispers of your Presence reawakens my tounge in Zikar,

It is only You Ya Ali that I call...

Ya Ali You are my Lord...
YA Ali You are my Light...
Ya Ali You are my Fanna...
Ya Ali You are the Manifestor of Miracles....

Oh Ali I prostray before Thee and I rely upon, from Thee is my strength and Thou my Protection...Guide me to the Right Path, not of those cursed ones nor of those who have gone astray...

I am nothing but a mere drop in Ocean of your Magnitude, but take Mercy on this lump of unmolded clay and Grace her with Your Reverance and Bless her with Your Clarity....

Ya Ali Madad....

Kartar (Darbari)

For the 3 min 36 secs of the studio recorded version of this song, I am able to find pure emancipation....I am not afraid to be left alone within myself....and I can taste what pure liberation feels like.

Fading...

I don't hear you no more....

I don't see you no more....

Fading...
Fading...

I don't cry for you no more...
I don't ache for you no more....

Forgiving....
Forgiving.....

I don't want you no more...
I don't hope for you no more....

Healing....
Healing...

I don't dream of you no more....
I don't think of you no more....

Releasing...
Releasing...

I don't sense you no more....


Leaving...


You have gone from me....


Liberating...


You are in me no more....

You have released all parts of me...
I am whole....
I am free....

Spinning...
Breathing...
Laughing...
Dancing....

I am free....

Trick or Treat....

Ahaaannnn!!

Mummeeji and Papaji are lounging on the Island in the Caribbean....
Bhayaa is chilling with his mates.....
Babee is with her Papa.....

And me? Welll now we are going to have to find a way to keep me amused now aren't we?

It is Halloween....Hmmmmm.......TRICK or TREAT?

But in the mean time let's turn up the music loud, and dance in our underwear...Come on now shake that ass like it's on fire, ain't no one here to watch....


WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!....

Dance me to the end of Love....

This is a most beautiful track by Leonard Cohen and the video....oh my...
It actually made me tear up the first time I watched it....

Yeah yeah I know....but common.....no matter how tough I am, I am still a girl you know!!

Unfortunately the embedding function has been disabled but please do be sure to follow the link and watch it....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_PIadFsvDk

And here are the lyrics....

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love


Ahhh now this is a remix of the song....I love it, it is such a perfect mix to listen to at night when all the lights are out and no one is home and you can turn it right up and float away on the beat.....

Enjoy:

Keep It Simple....

Is there such a thing as Soul mates? I mean do you really think it is possible to truly make a connection at the most unconditional and pure state, where a man and woman bond and unify in a way that tracendes what seems to be the here and now. I don't know, I think maybe it is possible, but I think in order to feel that, you would have to completely let go of your boundaries and bare the essential core of yourself and HELL that's damn scary...

But just thinking about it makes me feel free, wouldn't it be so completely liberating?? To be so completely insych with a person, to know that what you like they will like, to be so unafraid to say what ever you feel, want and desire and know there will be no judgement? Just to be so connected?

But who am I kidding....It's not that simple is it?

I mean lets look at it from a rational and logical point of view, when we meet a person that we are attracted to the intial infatuation has a way of blinding us to the reality of a situation, everything it so beautiful and intoxicating, the intensity that feel with seems to be more profound than the cracks in the foundation of what is developing, I mean what we are feeling can with stand it all, because well...we have never felt this way before, so it to be real right?

And so we kiss, we talk romantic, we make plans, we believe in forever. But after the euphoria of the intial oragasms have past and the mind has once again becomes lucid we start to use the practical mind and althou we there is so much that is right, all of a sudden those cracks in the foundation don't seem so miniscule anymore and they begin to corrode the relationship...

We start scrutinizing the family, the religion, the community, the history, the money, the sex, the body, the values and principles and we start to question will this person be the best suited partner I need in order to build the empire of my life with rather than a family with...and that, saddens me...

I mean lets face it in our world today, relationships and marriages aren't built to last the way they used to be, where highschool sweethearts married, and are now on to their 40th wedding aniversary, where are those brick house type relationships today? I mean they could scream like banshees, threaten death and cause mayhem because someone no matter what a love hate relationship they had they would stick it out because somehow life would seem incomplete without their partner, hmmmm, maybe that is what true love is, maybe that is what makes a soul mate...the one you can make it work even when you don't think it can work, the one you will hate but love with the same intensity, the one you want to throw your chappal at and it makes you cry because it actually hit them and hurt them. Maybe soul mates are the ones you are able to live both sides of the coin with and at the end of day still want to make love to them.

But in truth I have not experienced that, so for me it is all beautiful myth I believe in to give me hope. I mean I have been married, I have been in love exactly 3 times (including my husband), each being a completely experience than the other but just as memorable. I have been infactuated innumerable times and lust and I have become good friends....But I have yet to meet a man who can move me and love me and understand me the way I need to be understood. I have yet to meet a man I inspire forever in and a man who makes me forget my fear of forever with.

And in truth I am so tired of it and the thought of giving my freedom up now to become the partner of a man who feels that I meet enough of the criteria on his checklist or someone who is just settling because well they feel it is time, makes me very unhappy, so I have decided that I am going to watch the dating scene from a safe distance, because I have observed that people have a hard time investing themselves and their time into one person, it would seem that there is always that lingering thought what if there is something better, what if she isn't the one...

And to be quite honest I dont know how to wrap my head around the games we are suppose to play. I have heard so much advise and have been drilled with these obscure rules as to how you are suppose to manipulate a man into wanting in you...I think it s bloody insane

What is it they say? It's all about the chase...and the thrill...you shouldnt be so open and wear your heart on your sleeve...be mysterious...blah...blah...blah...I mean if we have to play so many games then how can the connection we are hoping to make possibly be based on anything real or honest...I am too old for games and too my mind is too full to remember all the rules. All I ask for is something real, true, honest and pure.

I know who I am and I know how I am...and I know that should I find the right person...they will be rather pleased.. and maybe I'm different and believe that if my 'Soul mate' is real and does in fact exists, I won't have to play all these games...He will find me and he will recognize me and love me...Because I truly and passionately believe that ultimate love is simple...uncomplicated and liberating...

But then again maybe I'm just a sucker...

The Conundrum....

Sigh the human mind is one complex and fucked up entity I tell you....

I finally feel myself letting go and getting over the last 6 months...I mean I don't get those anxious pangs in the middle of my chest, nor am I constantly replaying every detail, conversation, or moment in my mind anymore. Althou I won't lie, there is a lingering sensation, it almost feels like the chemistry of my soul and spirit have changed and my body is still adjusting, but in truth I have to actually consciously work to recall memories, because they don't sit on top of my head or heart like thorns. I guess it's just that I am healing.

But get this, and this is where the engima is....I am sad that I am healing.

I KNOW!! WTF???

I think I am sad because those amazing moments are fading and don't carry the same shade of vibrant as they used to and they almost seem surreal, did it really happens sort of memory....And it aches to know I have been let go of in the same way....

I mean of course it is inevitable, life is fluid and we must keep moving forward, evolving, and continuing to the next experience. My mom was watching a hindi flick over the weekend, it was called 'Hello' and it a group of youngsters have a confrence call with God (I know only in Bollywood eh? lol) But mom gave me the jist of the conversation and the most profound line went something like this:

God says to them, the choices you make today will effect the outcome of your tomorrow, so just stay focused on your present, live each moment aware and make the choices you think are right, and I will take care of tomorrow...Just one day at a time...one moment at a time.

I had lost myself in the thoughts of the past and fears of the future, but what I realised is that I have been so lucky with the experiences that I have had and the moments I have shared with so many amazing individuals.

Yes althou at times I have been completely perplexed as to why God had intented my path to cross with certain people, but I realised that even the most painful and negative experience has left me wiser, stronger and more aware. I am able to to draw on these past experience to make better choices and more appropriate decisions. And the way I look at it is this: I have a choice to either be the victim and keep crying as to how unfair and how fucked up the situation is/was....or I can say hmmmmm....sad it ended, but damn what a good time. I choose to remember the laughs, good times and warm feelings, because I do believ these will keep me much better company than all the negatives points of the experience, so I discard them. I don't want to keep them alive and burning so I can become resentful and bitter....Anger makes people ugly ugly very very ugly, trust me, my ass will tell you. And the sooner one lets go of these 'ugly' vibes there is room for 'sexy' 'stunning' and 'superstar' vibes to flow in.

I am sad that a really intense, profound beautifully passionate chapter in my life has come to end, but you know what, I am beginning to realise that it's ok, because now I know it is possible to feel the way that I did, I got to live and breathe it and get carried away with it, and isn't that what life is? To love hard, cry hard, play hard, live hard.....I have no regrets, none what's so ever. I merely have one more scar to add to my multitude and prove that I am truly living my life without fear, and that feeling my friends is fucking exhilarating....

What I would tell Her....

• Kiss him every morning before he leaves for work, when he comes home from work and before you both go to bed.
• Make his lunch for work everyday, even on the days he is a mean fuck and you want to throw your chappal at him.
• Sit and eat with him at dinner, talk to him about the crazy people he met and how other drivers pissed him off and all the road rage he encountered, talk to him about your day and what you saw and heard.
• Allow him to be quiet when he doesn't feel like chatting and try not to take it too personally, althou this can be hard, but sometimes he just needs his time.
• Tell him when you think he is full of shit and is not be honest with you.
• Don't be afraid of him.
• Don't tell him do this and do that, ask him...tell him: ji do you mind...will you please....can you please....He is your man treat him with respect.
• DO NOT become a push over, stay strong in your own point of veiws without becoming over bearing or bitchy.
• Be confident in who you are.
• Let him mourn for his mother when ever he remembers her, talk to him about her, understand her, she was the most beautiful and important woman in his life and she will always have the biggest part of him. Accept it with love.
• Understand that he is always testing you and checking on you and will find a way to be aware of everything you do and all the people you speak to and if he doesn't know, it will make him antsy.
• Keep no secrets from him. He will sense when you are not being straight.
• Pray with him and discuss the deeper meaning of life in a non preachy way.
• Hug him when he is least expecting. Wrap your arms around him from behind when he is washing his hands after dinner, or put your arm around his waist when at the grocery store and bring him in close to you so he can feel your warmth.
• Never mope whine or moan about his gym and supplements. It is his passion, encourage him and if you are smart train with him.
• Becareful not to judge his family, althou he will complain, do not add your two cents he needs to vent his frustrations he doesn't need you to magnify what is wrong with the situaton.
• When at the movies or watching tv, lean over and kiss him on his neck and tell him how attractive you find him and how much you desire him.
• Tell him you LOVE HIM! Everyday! Even if he doesn't respond, his heart feels it.
• Be cautious, even thou he seems as calm as still waters, he is a raging emotional man, never take what you see for granted, cos who he seems to be and who he is are not always in correlation.
• PUSH HIM TO LIVE HIS OWN DREAMS! Don't belittle him or make him feel like he talking nonsense, let him try to make it.
• At night when he is sleeping you wake him up by kissing him, touching him, arousing him to make love.
• Always keep your hand on his leg or back of his neck, or play with his ear when he is driving. He loves the sensation of touch. Gentle touch.
• Tickle his back before he falls asleep and massage his sore muscles when he comes home from the gym.
• Be sensual with him.
• Be bold with him.
• Be sexual with him.
• Be so tender and affectionate with him, this is what he craves the most, pure tenderness and pure affection.
• Know him, understand him, watch him, make him a part of who you are and let him make you apart of who he is.
• Don't be typical.
• Always take care of yourself, smell good, groom yourself, be feminine.
• Never ever judge him for his past or throw it in his face.
• Don't have too much pride and say sorry to him first. He appreciates it more than he shows.
• Know that he is SMART and can push your buttons and will out wit you.
• Be loyal to him and only him and he will take care of your family as his own.
• He may seem like a mad angry man, but he is a gentle spirit who hates conflict.
• NEVER MAKE FUN OF HIM, unless you are confident you can get away with it.
• Be his friend, his best friend that he is unafraid to tell everything to.
• Let him be possessive of you.
• Make him your King and you will without hesitation be his Queen.
  

These are things I wish I could tell her.

Stolen....

You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You were my air when I couldn't breathe
I think you always knew what you meant to me

And you were my strength when I was down
And you made me humble when I wouldn't bow
I held on to your promise that you'd be around

Where were you when I was alright
Tell me, did you know I was alright
You left me thinking I'd be alright
Won't you come back to me

It's crazy but I'm falling apart
It's crazy how you're leaving me scarred
It's crazy girl wherever you are
You stole my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane
Feeling lost, confused and ashamed
It's crazy hope you're feeling my pain
You stole my heart
Stolen

Just like a moment
Stolen
You never owned it
Stolen
You took away my heart

I was mainly lost in my own world
Neglecting your needs and your wants girl
If only we could try again once more

Now it's the same sad story that we all know
How lovers make mistakes watch it all blow
I don't wanna be the one to let it all go, no

Where were you when I was alright
Tell me, did you know I was alright
You left me thinking I'd be alright
Won't you come back to me

It's crazy but I'm falling apart
It's crazy how you're leaving me scarred
It's crazy girl wherever you are
You stole my heart

It's crazy but I'm going insane
Feeling lost, confused and ashamed
It's crazy hope you're feeling my pain
You stole my heart

Stolen
Just like a moment
Stolen
You never owned it
Stolen
You took away my heart

And no man can live without blood running through his veins
And it's hard to remember the summer now here is rain
I don't know how much longer that I can wait
It's a thin line between love and hate

It's crazy but I'm falling apart (girl it's crazy)
It's crazy how you're leaving me scarred (leaving me scarred)
It's crazy girl wherever you are (tell me where are you, where are you)
You stole my heart

Its crazy but I'm going insane (going insane)
Feeling lost, confused and ashamed
It's crazy hope you're feeling my pain (are you feeling my, feeling my pain)
You stole my heart

Stolen
Just like a moment
Stolen
You never owned it
Stolen
Girl you took away my heart (x2)

Nikki

Forgive you...Forgive me....

"How do we forgive when we’re angry and hurt? As a first step, we can be willing to truly feel our anger and hurt. Honouring our feelings by being fully present with them helps to release the feelings themselves. And it helps to remember that people only hurt others when they themselves are in pain. When we can recognize the other person’s suffering, our heart can open in compassion. We can also remember that at some time or another, we too have hurt someone through our own unskilful action. Only love can heal the rifts caused by a hurtful deed. Forgiveness holds immense power because it mends separation. It moves us towards the unity and love that lie at the core of our being. It is a fundamental part of the healing process. "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." - - Paul Boese

Thanks Fari for this, it has inspired such a shift in persepective, and it has helped take the sting away a bit.....

Cranberry Vodka....

Last night I went to Punjabi Sikh wedding. What a time, what a party!

I went with my guddia Jyoti and we looked rather smashing if I do say so myself. We got there at 6:45 the invite said 6 and the bridal party didn't show until 9....Lesson learnt and good thing the appetizers were yummy, I say!

Anyways as we were sitting waiting for the bride and groom to arrive, Jyoti and I were passing time being typical desi girls and checking out everyone's sari and who was with who, and I can't lie, our gaze did keep drifting to the gang of beautiful young sardarjis hanging around the, of course, open bar.....When I heard the opening notes to a song, a song I really would have been happier not hearing on this particular night, but lo and behold, on the projection screens all around us (they had 5 to be exact) the song Teri Ore from Singh is King came on....and that is when I knew it was going to be a long long night....I looked at Jyoti and said "Drink darling?" and of course being the gem that she is complied, and that was how my relationship with Cranberry Vodka started.....


Our table filled up and the drink I had been sipping ever so slowly was beginning to warm my blood and relax my body and mind, and distraction was much easier to come by, but my tummy was still twisting...What was I doing here, it was like volunteering for a round of chinese torture. I could see the bottom of my glass looming, and althou the edge had dulled, the bridal party still hadn't shown, and I was starting to get antsy as the room began to fill up with reminders of the fact that my own Sardar had recently celebrated his own marriage at a reception like this. What's another drink to pass time....and just in time....The announcement was made, they had finally arrived

Stunning is the only word that came to mind, she (Manpreet) was breathtaking in her Deep Pink Langa which was completely embroidered with gems stones and he (Aman), was looking smart in his dark suit. They took their place at the head of the table, individual family introductions were made, followed by a few speeches by friends and the bride groom and then of course the slide show....I braced myself and prayed really really really hard that I would not hear a single Shinda track, and Allah was Merciful with me, but I did take a larger than usual sip of my Vodka cran as pictures from the Gurdwara flashed across the screen...the truth of the ceremony were in those moments...Red turban, talwar in hand, her in crimson red head to toe, holding on to her new husband....but blissfully the bottom of the glass was mainly vodka and I was floating happily thru to the end of the presentation (you should know I am a bloody cheap assed drunk!)


They cut the cake, and then the first dance commenced, and that is when in my haze of alcohol, I had a moment of pure lucidity. As I saw him hold her close, and watched them laugh together and talk into each other's ear, I felt sheer embarrassment for my arrogance. How could I think I could be more than this to him, more than his family, his culture, his religion, his identity? How could I judge his decision and choice? I am nothing in comparison to the magnitude of what he would have had to give up had he chosen me, and when they say love just ain't enough, it is so so so true. And in that instant I disconnected from the last 3 months of rage, anger, hate and hurt. I was done with it. I forgave all the hurts inflicted.


Well I am profoundly stunned by this moment...I turned to Jyoti hug her and kiss her and thank her for making me her date tonight....And by this time the music has picked up in volume and the beat is kicking and I am feeling lighter, and what better way to celebrate than a drink? Althou I am thinking maybe some food would be better to help absorb some of the liquor, but there seems to be no physical evidence of dinner yet, other than the smell of the tandoor cooking fresh naan....So off to the bar, we make our way thru all the young men standing around laughing and giving each others knowing looks that, they think we can't see and which we just ignore as we try to make our way to the front....now remember I haven't drank in years this is now my third drink and the bartender has retired her shot glass and is with free hand pouring the vodka into ice fill glasses and it would seem she is just adding the cranberry juice for colour. Well Jyoti and I clink glasses and give each other a heart felt "CHEERS!" and take a deep sip.

I am floating now...I can still walk straight, and I am talking coherently but I am a bit rosier than when I came in and my smile is a bit bigger and the giggles come a lot easier, but it's all good cos it all makes perfect sense now. But there is also a sense of sadness that falls on my heart, a sense of bittersweetness as I realise it is time to let all of it go...All the emotions, thoughts, desires, and hopes that have to do with Sunnyji mera Sardar. I can no longer hold on to him with my anger, I can no longer hold on to him with my love, I can no longer hold on to him with my friendship, I can no longer hold on to him with my memories. He is a married man, with a wife who looked up at him, as I saw a new young bride looking up to her husband tonight. And I can no longer resent her for having him and I can no longer hate him for making the right decision and in the bigger picture that right decision does not include me....

AT LAST DINNER IS SERVED....

And my glass is still almost full....I am hungry, and the butter chicken and the mali gofta with jeera rice and soft soft naan smell yummy! And so we eat while watching the dancers on the floor raise their hands to the ceiling and the dhol player intensifies the beat of the music. With tummies full it is time to join the dancers, but wait let me finish this drink....

So as gracefully as we can we make our way to the dance floor thru the jungle of chairs scattered all over, and join a group of girls that we know,we begin to rip it up. I haven't danced punjabi style since high school and I am so sure I look like a wanna be, but who cares I am buzzing and the beat is wicked and it has been for ever and a day since I have danced! So song after song after song, I watch Jyoti get lost in the beat, I watch the men kicking their bhangra styles and I am chilling....but I need a moment to gather my thoughts....



I tell my date, that I am going to go chill at the table for a bit, and I check my phone and smile as I see txts from Amanji and oh lookie here, a couple of surprise guest stars as well....Atleast I know I am well thought of...So I sit and take the last gulp of my vodka cos that is all that really seems to be left in my glass. And I sigh...so this is what it was all about eh? And I wonder am I such a stir of emotions because of the drinks, or because of the truth I had to face today? What ever was causing it I was feeling relief and sadness all at the same time.

I go back to join the girls dancing and we dance in our circle, we smile we laugh and we flow....But one more drink just to end the night right?...We make our way back to the bar, take some pics dance a couple more dances, but the alcohol has taken a toll now, and I am in need of some water to dilute the effects so I can go home walking straight. Jyoti is in the zone, so I sneak away and grab a water and head to chill back at my table, but there is this damn fine looking gent standing next to me and I am feeling bolder than wonderwoman, but as I turn to look at him to make that eye contact, I realise I won't find who I am looking for in him, and so I head back to my table and of course as I head back to my table there is a group f boys who are enjoying a late night meal "Oye Hoye!" I can hear them yell over the music, but I keep walking, not tonight I say to myself, not tonight...

Home sweet home....I snuggle into my covers, when I get a call from Ron, lol....saala he is as smashed as I am, but it is nice to have someone to laugh with, and make the night a bit less lonely, but one of us falls a sleep I am not sure if it is him or I, but at last I find my lull......

This morning I felt the side effects of the party last night....but it's all good, Cranberries and I have forged a new relationship and we have agreed to only meet on very special ocassions, and althou anytime I hang out with Jyoti it is a special ocassion, I need to keep my lucidity at all times, I want to feel each moment and make it in my own....Can't lie the haze of last night was heavenly, and for the first time in along time I was totally relaxed, but I am a warrior of life, and I cannot afford to dull my senses, I want to be ever present and focused, so that when I make those memories they are pristine and clear.

So thank you for a fantastic night meri guddia....an unforgettable one at that!

Thank you to my Sardar, for the memories of a life time....

And Cheers to y'all until the next time we party!

Kiss me...

Step closer...

Give me the heat of you...

Lust for your scent...

Smells of soap, cologne, and cooked spices of home linger on your skin.

Don't touch...

Just stand...

Mouth close to mouth, breath intermingling in that precious space that still seperates...

Inhale and exhale on my lips...

Fingers twitch with the need to touch your full bottom lip....

No not yet....

I am weakening....

Rub my cheek against your beard...

Sigh escapes...

Feel its roughness awaken each and every sense...

Your heart beating against my chest....

Your need arousing against my thigh...

But not yet my sweet...

Not yet....

Fingertips and nails leave a trail on the hard muscle of your forearm....

inside your eblow....

over your shoulder...

slowly along your shoulder blade...

around your neck....

Confident hands encircle my waist...

Pull me close...

Intimately...

Hard evidence of need....

Soft hair at the base of your neck playing thru my fingers...

Long strong fingers in my hair...

Softly tugging...

Pulling back....

Neck exposed...

Erotic heat on my pulse....

My heart stops...

Air in lungs expelled....

Tounge and mouth buring a trail from base to ear....

Breathe or fall

BREATHE OR FALL!

Like wind, air rushes to my center....

Whispers and pleas escape our mouths...

Now....

Now...

Please now....

Mouth ever so gently on mouth....

Introductions are made softly...

Hands tighten...

Grips fasten...

Closer...
Closer...

There is a gap between your heart and mine...

CLOSER....

Need grows...

Intensity....

Rushing...

Wanting....

Wanting more....

and more....

and more...

Lips crush...

Tounges invade....

Moans escape....

Breath unites....

The dance begins....

Kiss me...

Just kiss me...