Sigh....
After 4 years of procastination and futile excuses, the papers have finally been signed and I have closed another chapter in my life...I am a divorced woman.
It has been more amusing to watch how people react to the news, for some odd reason their first response is a hestitant "Congrats.." Ummm...really? You are congratulating on my failed marriage...it is almost comical, and therefore I can't really get annoyed and in truth what is the right way to react to such news?
But I must admit the signing has been a catylst for a major Aha moment for me. As I have been reflecting on the chain of events that have occured in the last few weeks I noted that there was so much anger and resentment inside of me. And it had made everything so dark. And as I kept thinking about all this negativity, the image of the beautiful full moon that I saw on Monday kept looping in on my thought.
Let me tell you about this moon before I continue on with my thoughts.
The sky was completely clear, and the moon was HUGE, so beautiful and bright, and it gave me company as I walked to the meeting place where my ex and I were suppose to sign the papers with our mediator, which get this, happen to be CHUCKEE CHEESE. Yes only in my life would I sign my divorce agreement at such a venue, but it's a great fucking memory ain't it? But anyways, as I looked upon the moon when I was walking, for some reason the roshni of it's light, felt like it was healing me. I felt light, like the burden that had been sitting on my shoulders had been lifted, but I didn't quite comprehend it, all I knew was that when I made it to my meeting, I felt like it was all going to be ok. I mean yeah it sucks that we weren't able to make it work, but in my heart I felt like the seed of something wonderful had been planted. And all the hurt and anger and negativity was washed away by the light of this beautiful moon.
I had a lot of good times with Shafik... I mean I was with him since I was 18 and we spent 12 crazy years together. We saw hardships and great times, we partied hard and laughed even harded and we were great friends. We worked well together and pushed each other to the limits, we grew up together and in the end we gave each other the most beautiful gift we possible could, our little one. But the reality was that we had reached our final destination as husband and wife, and now our journey will continue as co-parents, but that is all we can be and that is our Qismat, and I can accept that now.
But what I realised last night and this morning was that I can not hold on to my anger and bitterness for all that went wrong, it happened, and nothing can change the end of the story, but I do know this if I hold on to that negativity it will eclipse all the roshni of all that was good between us, and my memories which I realised, are my moon, the are the moments that light up my life's journey and allow me to reflect smile and laugh and say damn that was a bloody good was wasn't it?....and I can not let my stubborness eclispe that beauty that I experienced.
He is a good man, caught in a circumstance, and in truth, we both need different things to be happy in life and that is ok....I just hope we both find what it is we are looking for.
I wish the best for him, and I hope happiness for him, and peace of mind. He was my husband, he was my friend, he is the father of my child and for that he will always have my affection.
Good things to you always Shafik.
Live long and strong....
And may happiness follow your every footstep....
(even on the days you piss me off...lol..)
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