Momentary Perfections

Hmmm...there is not a single event in my life that has happened randomly.I have been here thinking about the last few years, and each moment and each experience has somehow flawlessly slipped into the next experience I was meant to have. It is rather mind boggling actually.

Events seemingly silly and irrelevant which may have not lasted even a few days or moments, have somehow had monumental effects on me. And it would seem to me that somehow these types of stories and events can only happen to me...(trust me, stick around long enough and you will understand how quirky my life is...)

Here is one particular instance....

Let me tell you a story about Marianne and her lover "The Crow" (I am just telling the story, don't ask me what that's about ok?) Anyways Marianne and I randomly met over Yahoo Answer, I go to ask questions, and answer some questions if I can, and well one of her answers about her experience with a past lover really touched me.

The question was : What is it about a past lover that has lingered with you?

Marianne's Answer : I remember that when I was with him, it seemed like we created the purest essence of humanity together, the distilled essence of human sexuality.
Being with him made me feel cleaner and purer than anything else I have done.
I had him 35 years ago.

This Momma is now 60 years old and she still remembered him so clearly. So I had to contact her and asked her how she was able to resolve such an emotion, I mean how was she able to let go of him? So she explained her story to me.

She was married at that time, and was having an affair, with this man. She felt he was the her true love, but her husband found out and they moved from Michigan to California, and she had no choice but to go with him because she had 2 small children to raise. But now that they are grown and are having children of their own, she had decided she was going to find her lost love again, seeing she she had agonized over his loss for over three and a half decades.

Mind you she is still married, but she doesn't have as much to lose now.

Anyways she states she is contemplating getting in touch with him and one fine day I get a msg from her saying she had called him...She had tracked him down thru the net and found his number in the 411 listings and one day after 3 fear filled attempts she finally was able to keep the courage to stay on the line until he answered....And they spoke for nearly an hour. And they reminisced and laughed and he informed her he had never married, his military lifestyle wasn't conducive to the nuclear family lifestyle, and he was still single.....

Well she gushed on about all the good stuff and I sent her a msg saying that I was happy for her, and that I wished her well and told her to enjoy every moment, because in truth re-uniting with a lost love is all bonus time, I suggested she not take any of it for granted and just savour every moment. I know, I know she is married, but I am not her conscious, I am a stranger to her , and I am a bleeding romantic what can I do...You read her answer, imagine reconnecting with someone you feel that way about? Who am I to judge her moral character?

Anyways I could sense she was giddy and excited and elated at re-connecting with him again, so I wished her well and asked her to keep me posted....And well today I received a msg from her, asking if I still wanted to hear her story, I said, well of course! I mean this has to have a happy ending na?

Hmmmm...not so....at least not from my point of view.

She told me over the years, he had become a heavy drinker and was a biker and a trucker, lol....for her these were not her scene, she seems a bit pish posh, and stated she would not be caught dead on the back of a bike, but anyways, it would also seem that his years of living hard and partying hard, had made his drinking a bit of an issue and had clouded alot of the memories he had of the past.

So delicately put, he didn't remember her in the same way she had been remembering him for the last 35 years....

OUCH!

And that is when I realised that, we can never look back with hopeful eyes that maybe one day we will be given a momentary chance to be able to re-capture what was. That moment was meant exactly for that allotted time slot on your life line. After feeling her hurt and disappointment I realised I don't think I ever want a chance to re-connect with any of my past lovers in the future....

There have been beautiful memories I have made in the last few years, but I think that they need to remain encased and framed in the treasure box that they rest in within me...You see when I think of those perfect moments I smile. They make me feel light, and allow the butterflies to flutter on the insides of my tummy for a moment or two as I remember the feeling they gave me. And to chance ruining those treasures, with the reality of how the harshness of life has changed and alter who they used to be when they were so priceless to me, just seems so unnecessary.

I mean, our paths separated for a reason right? We cannot change what has happened, so let it be.

See I can now accept that are reasons that are beyond my understand, why situations turn out the way that they do, but it's ok because it is now time to make new memories, and uncover more beautiful treasures.

Those memories are waiting there for me, to discover them, to have them, to make a home for them. I mean in truth, I can never ever say my life has been boring. So how can I believe that life will be any less of a joy and adventure now?

Yes no doubt, I am sad that certain experiences didn't last longer, but you know what? Those experiences have just stretched the possibilities of what I may experience in the future. I have opened myself up a bit more and have learnt more, and hence I will have the ability to broaden my horizons even further, and experience even more depth then I already have. According to Mom, these experiences are merely preparing me for what is to come, for the experiences, the people, the opportunities that are impatiently waiting to make their way into my life....The past is just the ground work, the foundation for the rest of my life and happiness to build on....

I LOVE MY MOM! She is a good wise woman.

So althou my heart goes out to Marianne and I wish it had been a happily ever after ending, I must say thank you to her for coming into my life and giving me a lesson that will save me many sleepless nights and wonderings as to the what if, and what was....

It was what it was and it was perfect and beautiful in that moment....but it was for that moment in time, and that is where it should remain, that is it's home and that is where it belongs....