Senseless...

He sits on my heart like a bloody stone.

Memories have faded, his name is not in a constant loop in my head, the need to understand why has all but disappeared, but yet like a presence, not seen, heard or to be touched, he is there!

WHY?

I just want it to be over now, completely gone and free.

I mean days can go by where not a single substantial thought of him comes to mind and then on Sunday morning I am awoken by this tidal wave of emotion and his memories came flooding into the core of me, I tossed and turned until 8 am when I finally caught a restless lull again.

But in those 4 hours, it felt like every single scar which had been healing and scabbing were ripped back open with the small knives of memories, I could feel them oozing with the blood of all my heart ache. The things we talked about, the feel of his skin, the dark places that we journeyed within each other, the laughter we didn't know we had within us....all of them washing over me wave after wave without mercy....

I wanted to cry, I felt the tears coming, but I refused them exit. I will no longer cry for what has been lost.
It is gone, P E R M E N A N T L Y!
For once I understand the concept of forever and it is as true as the permenance of death...What and who we were has died, it was not a peaceful death and it was not a death that any love would hope to die, but none the less it has been buried. And to keep mourning for what was and can never be again, makes no sense to me.

I do not hope to hear him again, I do not hope to see his face again, I do not hope to know the feel of his beard thru my fingers again. I have set those a drift on the river of the timeline of my life and I have watched those hopes slowly vanish into the sunset of what has passed. In fact I pray to my Allah, that I shall not even accidently walk in the same footpath that he has, nor should I by a cruel twist of fate even breathe the same air as him in a room or square foot area, not now, because I fear that all my strength and courage that I have gathered to let him go over the last few months will crumble into ash....

BUT I do pray, that Inshallah I will be stronger than I am now and will be able to withstand the sorrow of what had transpired between us should we cross each others paths durning the journey of our lives, and may I even be graced with the strength to smile and say hello, but in the mean time, until I have not built that fortress around my heart, I am content with him being on his side of life and I on mine...