....

ਮੌਤ ਤੇ ਵੀ ਸਾਨੂੰ ਯਕੀਨ, ਉਹਨਾਂ ਤੇ ਵੀ ਐਤਬਾਰ ਏ, ਦੇਖੋ ਪਹਿਲਾਂ ਕੌਣ ਆਉਂਦਾ, ਦੋਨਾਂ ਦਾ ਇੰਤਜ਼ਾਰ ਏ

Taj Mahal Style Love....

I wrote this about a year after my ex husband and I split up...I thought you know God is really busy and the world is a mess, and I figure he's got a lot going and really he's top priority is not match making. So I thought ok, his side kick angels must be on this full time, and I think it would only be decent of me to at least give them a hand and make a life a bit easier....So I got this list together to point them in the right direction....and here is what I came up with:

He will be HONEST and drip with INTEGRITY and HONOUR
He will love my child, the way he loves me, unconditionally and whole heartedly....
He will encourage me to be a better parent and he will join me in this challenge...
He will face push thru his fears to love me....
He well be educated and stable, and have ambition and allow me to part take in his journey....
He will love his family and will allow me to love mine, and we will accept them as OUR families...
He will be a bad boy with a heart, and compassion...
He will be sharp and witty
He will make me feel secure and safe and whole....
He will be spiritual and have faith that God has a plan for him....and we will believe blindly together....
We will not be afraid to challenge one another and say 'what the hell are you doing'...
We will push one another and force each other to face our fears, because we will provide unconditional support and strength...
We will marvel at each other’s brilliance and not allow it to be eclipsed...
We will lean on each other as crutches when our hearts are breaking,
We will force ourselves to move forward together no matter how much it will hurt, because we understand that wallowing in our sorrow will merely suck the light out of our beings..
We will banter and laugh and laugh and laugh....until we are exhausted...
He will be allowed to honest, and tell me when my ass is looking fat and I will firmly explain how much his feet stink…
He will love me more as he watches me sleeping and I will cherish him when he is vulnerable and confused ...
We will respect each other even as we fight, because we WILL understand that we fight about the principle behind the action, rather than the action it's self...
We will sing to one another...
We will dance when there is no music...
We will talk politics and art at the breakfast table, because our exchange of intelligence is our biggest aphrodisiac...
We will boldly display affection because we are not shy, but feel proud that I am his and he is mine...
We will read endless books and contemplate the new perspective we have discovered...
We will agree to disagree when we feel the other one is full of shit...
We will intertwine with one another to become the strength of two and will set our roots into one another...
We will accept all that is paradoxal and incomprehensible about one another because that is part of our charm...
He will wake in the middle of the night to make love to me because he missed me and wanted me to feel his heart...
I will be his muse, I will be his insipiration and move him in away no other has...

I do belive my number is 21570000985...so only a few more to go....

Pass the bloody Kleenex...

Oh maa....I am sooo sick....NO, it is not the H1N1 or the swine flu or whatever else is floating around out there....I have just the shittiest head cold, God could ever create. And I hate hate hate medication. Me and tablets have this sort of agreement, I hate you, but I will use if you my life depends on it, type of agreement.

I have so much going on that I want to get out, but on unfortunately, it can't seem to find it's way out of the muscus which has congested my head....These bloody boogers are like terrorists, highjacking my thoughts and the throwing them around in my head like hand grenades....it's all very painful...

OH and noise....my poor child thinks her name is SHHHHHH....please....really she doesn't understand that althou she is sooo cute when she talks, her volume is bloody broken, and I am not sure how to fix it. I have been tempted a few times just to stuff her mouth with really chewy candies, so maybe her jaw will stay stuck shut for a bit...but then again I know my little one and all she will do is screach and holler, she don't need words man, let me tell you....

I am no going to try and hide somewhere really quiet and dark, somewhere no one would think to look....Oh yes I know the chair in the basement, where I take all my I don't want anyone to hear calls....Let's see how long I can hide for....

Sigh.....

Put your Lights on...

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say I've got nothing to fear

There's a darkness living deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, deep into my home
God, don't let me lose my nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Because there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I've got nothing to fear
La illaha illa Allah
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away

Ssssshhhh....

Sensuality...I love the word, I savour the word, I want to live the word.

Sensuality... the smell of a strong ripe fruit...
Sensuality...the fantastic lounge track playing in elevator...
Sensuality....the beautiful graffiti design on the side of some poor man's truck....
Sensuality....the taste of dark chocolate which lingers on your tongue.
Sensuality....the culmination and jubliation of senses that come alive and excited by all the experiences to be found in the mundane of life....


Sensuality....the symphony of bodies....
Sensuality...the dash of perfume in the hollow of her neck....
Sensuality....the khol that outlines her eyes....
Sensuality...the silky stocking that encases her firm calf muscle....


Sensuality...the scruff of his beard from yesterday...
Sensuality...the open collar of his white shirt...
Sensuality...the smell of soap on his skin....
Sensuality....the music that plays in his car....


Sensuality...his smile....
Sensuality...her laugh....
Sensuality...his fingers tracing over the softness of her fore arm....
Sensuality....her skin raising in goose bumps in reaction....


Sensuality....his fingers tracing over the curve of her shoulder....
Sensuality...her head resting over his heart listening to the steady rhythm....
Sensuality....his breath in her ear whispering all that he wants from her....
Sensuality....her soft whispers in reply....


Sensuality....his fingers in her hair...
Sensuality....her fingers in his hair...
Sensuality...breath on breath....
Sensuality...arms entwined around one another's waists to hold each other steady....


Sensuality.....hmmmmm.....the rest?....welll a girl can't kiss and tell now can she?

The Good, the Bad, the Passion...

Mahi Ve....

For some reason I am completely in love with this song! I have listened to it God only knows how many times since I discovered it earlier today...But I had to post it.

I mean this blog is like my scrap book of all that I have loved, do love and will love, so how can I not add this to my compilation na?

Momentary Perfections

Hmmm...there is not a single event in my life that has happened randomly.I have been here thinking about the last few years, and each moment and each experience has somehow flawlessly slipped into the next experience I was meant to have. It is rather mind boggling actually.

Events seemingly silly and irrelevant which may have not lasted even a few days or moments, have somehow had monumental effects on me. And it would seem to me that somehow these types of stories and events can only happen to me...(trust me, stick around long enough and you will understand how quirky my life is...)

Here is one particular instance....

Let me tell you a story about Marianne and her lover "The Crow" (I am just telling the story, don't ask me what that's about ok?) Anyways Marianne and I randomly met over Yahoo Answer, I go to ask questions, and answer some questions if I can, and well one of her answers about her experience with a past lover really touched me.

The question was : What is it about a past lover that has lingered with you?

Marianne's Answer : I remember that when I was with him, it seemed like we created the purest essence of humanity together, the distilled essence of human sexuality.
Being with him made me feel cleaner and purer than anything else I have done.
I had him 35 years ago.

This Momma is now 60 years old and she still remembered him so clearly. So I had to contact her and asked her how she was able to resolve such an emotion, I mean how was she able to let go of him? So she explained her story to me.

She was married at that time, and was having an affair, with this man. She felt he was the her true love, but her husband found out and they moved from Michigan to California, and she had no choice but to go with him because she had 2 small children to raise. But now that they are grown and are having children of their own, she had decided she was going to find her lost love again, seeing she she had agonized over his loss for over three and a half decades.

Mind you she is still married, but she doesn't have as much to lose now.

Anyways she states she is contemplating getting in touch with him and one fine day I get a msg from her saying she had called him...She had tracked him down thru the net and found his number in the 411 listings and one day after 3 fear filled attempts she finally was able to keep the courage to stay on the line until he answered....And they spoke for nearly an hour. And they reminisced and laughed and he informed her he had never married, his military lifestyle wasn't conducive to the nuclear family lifestyle, and he was still single.....

Well she gushed on about all the good stuff and I sent her a msg saying that I was happy for her, and that I wished her well and told her to enjoy every moment, because in truth re-uniting with a lost love is all bonus time, I suggested she not take any of it for granted and just savour every moment. I know, I know she is married, but I am not her conscious, I am a stranger to her , and I am a bleeding romantic what can I do...You read her answer, imagine reconnecting with someone you feel that way about? Who am I to judge her moral character?

Anyways I could sense she was giddy and excited and elated at re-connecting with him again, so I wished her well and asked her to keep me posted....And well today I received a msg from her, asking if I still wanted to hear her story, I said, well of course! I mean this has to have a happy ending na?

Hmmmm...not so....at least not from my point of view.

She told me over the years, he had become a heavy drinker and was a biker and a trucker, lol....for her these were not her scene, she seems a bit pish posh, and stated she would not be caught dead on the back of a bike, but anyways, it would also seem that his years of living hard and partying hard, had made his drinking a bit of an issue and had clouded alot of the memories he had of the past.

So delicately put, he didn't remember her in the same way she had been remembering him for the last 35 years....

OUCH!

And that is when I realised that, we can never look back with hopeful eyes that maybe one day we will be given a momentary chance to be able to re-capture what was. That moment was meant exactly for that allotted time slot on your life line. After feeling her hurt and disappointment I realised I don't think I ever want a chance to re-connect with any of my past lovers in the future....

There have been beautiful memories I have made in the last few years, but I think that they need to remain encased and framed in the treasure box that they rest in within me...You see when I think of those perfect moments I smile. They make me feel light, and allow the butterflies to flutter on the insides of my tummy for a moment or two as I remember the feeling they gave me. And to chance ruining those treasures, with the reality of how the harshness of life has changed and alter who they used to be when they were so priceless to me, just seems so unnecessary.

I mean, our paths separated for a reason right? We cannot change what has happened, so let it be.

See I can now accept that are reasons that are beyond my understand, why situations turn out the way that they do, but it's ok because it is now time to make new memories, and uncover more beautiful treasures.

Those memories are waiting there for me, to discover them, to have them, to make a home for them. I mean in truth, I can never ever say my life has been boring. So how can I believe that life will be any less of a joy and adventure now?

Yes no doubt, I am sad that certain experiences didn't last longer, but you know what? Those experiences have just stretched the possibilities of what I may experience in the future. I have opened myself up a bit more and have learnt more, and hence I will have the ability to broaden my horizons even further, and experience even more depth then I already have. According to Mom, these experiences are merely preparing me for what is to come, for the experiences, the people, the opportunities that are impatiently waiting to make their way into my life....The past is just the ground work, the foundation for the rest of my life and happiness to build on....

I LOVE MY MOM! She is a good wise woman.

So althou my heart goes out to Marianne and I wish it had been a happily ever after ending, I must say thank you to her for coming into my life and giving me a lesson that will save me many sleepless nights and wonderings as to the what if, and what was....

It was what it was and it was perfect and beautiful in that moment....but it was for that moment in time, and that is where it should remain, that is it's home and that is where it belongs....

Pyaar ke Pal...

Life is so short and so unpredictable, that we need to make ourselves conscious of staying completely aware in the moment that we are blessed with....The love that we feel, the laughter we share, the beauty of pure emotion that we are given in any one specific moment is a blessing... Be true to it, cherish it, treasure it, because in truth, we don't know if tomorrow we will be granted the same opportunity.

Hum, rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal yaad aayenge ke ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya
Chhoti si, hai zindagi
Kal, mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Hum rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal, yaad aayenge ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya
Chhoti si, hai zindagi
Kal, mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Shaam ka aanchal, odh ke aayee dekho woh raat suhani
Aa likh dein hum dono milke apni ye prem kahani
Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Aane waali subah jaane rang kya laaye deewanee,
Meri chaahat ko rakh lena jaise koi nishani
Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

Hum rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal, yaad aayenge ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya chhoti si hai zindagi
Kal mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal
Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal

What the Hell was that?

HOLY FUCK!

Ok so I am sitting here in the middle of the night, minding my own business listening to my Naaths, feeling all peaceful like...when an old acquaintance, hesitant to call a friend dings me on msn.

Cool haven't talked to him in months and all the conversations we have had until now have been very very polite and cordially almost boring I would have to say. When all of a sudden he says "do you mind if i I turn on my cam?" I think ok no worries...He is a young man of 26, he is still in his peacock period, wanting to show me all his 6 foot 5 inches of glory. He is an Iranian warrior and oh so pretty, so I think why not, eye candy at this time, is always a nice way to go to bed.

So I brace myself for some idle chit chat and have already started thinking of ways to get out of a long winded conversation about nothing, but of course only after I have checked the boy out. So he shows his face, thick chin length hair, goatee and very pretty features, but not in a faggy way. So I say not bad, but way too young for me...So I start to prepare my exit and have started the set up when he says to me, he is sad he couldn't meet me this summer, how sweet na? Awww I think, but I explain to him I wasn't in the head space to make any new connections this summer, of course he goes on to compliment and explain how attractive I am blah blah blah and all of a sudden his ding dong (yeah exactly what you are thinking)is right there on the screen!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON I AM THINKING! AND WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO HERE?

First I had to stop laughing, cos althou I am shocked at the turn of events and personality in this young man, this is so lame! I mean COME ON! I am 33 have been married and have a child, is a cock really going to freak me out? So I realise this is a game of wits....He is expecting me to scold him like a little boy and tell him how shameful it all is, and be a typical prude, which it seemed he has had some experience with.....Instead I ask "Is this a free show?"

Ok thank God I didn't have a web cam on, other wise this poor boys ego would have been shot, I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING! How horrible, but really? Is this what young men of today have deteriorated to? Bloody hell is this where gentlemanly behaviour is heading? My poor poor little one...what hope does she have of finding a good man in today's world, where it is so simple to whip out your manhood and show it off like a trophy, when sometimes it is better just to keep it hidden in the dark.

And truth be told, IT COMPLETELY RUINS THE SURPRISE!

There is no imagination, no sensuality, no respect left for sexuality in today's world. It has become such a simple and ordinary thing to want to fuck who ever, where ever, when ever. It has lost it's magic, it's emotion, it's love....I swear, I DO NOT BELONG TO THIS GENERATION, I should have been born during the era of the Taj Mahal when love was so profound and so pure that a man would build a monument of that stature as evidence of his intensity and passion for the woman he loved....Where just the simple gentle touch of fingers on fingers was erotic, where sensuality was an art, that was taught and learnt.....

THAT IS THE LOVE I WANT!

And I would rather be alone than settle for these cock popping dime a dozen bozos who think this is that women want...sigh...have men become so lazy??

But HA! I called the little fucker's bluff that is for sure, he was a little flustered when he realised I wasn't going to let him off the hook, he wanted to play with fire, now play silly little boy, I casually surfed the digital art pages (which btw is my new fascination) while he did what he did....and then said Thanks for the show....goodnight....

Sigh...what an Idiot....he made me turn my Naaths off!

That's it!! I am going to join the Himalayan Monks, I mean at least there I will learn the discipline of releasing the disappointment of the physical world we are trapped in and maybe the sad reality of the caliber of men that are out there won't shock me repeatedly...

I am sincerely sorry to all the men reading this, if I have offended, but really is it asking too much for a little bit of class?? Just a touch?

Senseless...

He sits on my heart like a bloody stone.

Memories have faded, his name is not in a constant loop in my head, the need to understand why has all but disappeared, but yet like a presence, not seen, heard or to be touched, he is there!

WHY?

I just want it to be over now, completely gone and free.

I mean days can go by where not a single substantial thought of him comes to mind and then on Sunday morning I am awoken by this tidal wave of emotion and his memories came flooding into the core of me, I tossed and turned until 8 am when I finally caught a restless lull again.

But in those 4 hours, it felt like every single scar which had been healing and scabbing were ripped back open with the small knives of memories, I could feel them oozing with the blood of all my heart ache. The things we talked about, the feel of his skin, the dark places that we journeyed within each other, the laughter we didn't know we had within us....all of them washing over me wave after wave without mercy....

I wanted to cry, I felt the tears coming, but I refused them exit. I will no longer cry for what has been lost.
It is gone, P E R M E N A N T L Y!
For once I understand the concept of forever and it is as true as the permenance of death...What and who we were has died, it was not a peaceful death and it was not a death that any love would hope to die, but none the less it has been buried. And to keep mourning for what was and can never be again, makes no sense to me.

I do not hope to hear him again, I do not hope to see his face again, I do not hope to know the feel of his beard thru my fingers again. I have set those a drift on the river of the timeline of my life and I have watched those hopes slowly vanish into the sunset of what has passed. In fact I pray to my Allah, that I shall not even accidently walk in the same footpath that he has, nor should I by a cruel twist of fate even breathe the same air as him in a room or square foot area, not now, because I fear that all my strength and courage that I have gathered to let him go over the last few months will crumble into ash....

BUT I do pray, that Inshallah I will be stronger than I am now and will be able to withstand the sorrow of what had transpired between us should we cross each others paths durning the journey of our lives, and may I even be graced with the strength to smile and say hello, but in the mean time, until I have not built that fortress around my heart, I am content with him being on his side of life and I on mine...

2o Minute Lesson...

Ok here is what I have learnt in the last 20 mins...

1. If someone doesn't get your sense of humour, they are not likely to ever really get it.


2. If someone is in a dark place in their life, you can't be the one to rescue them, they have to be willing to pull back the drapes of sadness from their own life, and let the light in.


3. If someone doesn't have a social life, and would rather be working than spending time with themselves or with friends and other social creatures, there is something wrong.


4. If language and tone are an issue you are totally screwed, without communication what the hell do you have?!


5. If someone says they don't want to talk about their past, you know there is something really bad there or they are still raw, which already means trouble and you should be lacing up your sneakers to run.


6. If you have to work hard to make it feel right, IT'S NOT RIGHT!


7. If you are scared to be yourself, wtf are you still doing there?


8. If you are there because you are feeling sad for them, be prepared to put on the Dr. Phil hat for them....and decide whether you have it in you to save someone this week....I know, what about compassion? Don't have much of it atm. Sorry.


9. If you are saying sorry, I misunderstood you more than LOL...YOU ARE FUCKED!


10. And finally if you don't have a happy calm let me get to know you more feeling then why are you wasting your time?

OK I am outta here....

I can't handle another drama atm....No matter how pretty the package....

Kabul 2009

I swear to God, I don't do it on purpose...Really sincerely I don't. I don't even go looking for anyone, they just seem to find me, they say it is something about my smile, about my face....

WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS FACE OF MINE SAY??

I thought I finally had found a calm in my life...I have closed the chapter on my marriage, I feel like I am 95% over Sunny, I am feeling good about the direction of my life. And then like a bloody brick from the sky, comes along Mr Kabul 2009....WTF?!

Centeral Asian from Kabul, Ismaili, 6'2 (OMFG!), light curly hair, dimples to cry for, 30 and sweet and I have no idea how he found me, except that he found me on facebook lol, and people scoff at the networking site...ha I say to them, see it has it's benefits....;)

I love the attention don't get me wrong, but sincerely I don't want complications right now, and I say this each and every time and each and every time the situation gets complicated. FUCK!

Why is that when we were in highschool it was so easy for guys and girls to be mates, just mates? And now in our 3o's we all of sudden blur all the lines? Is it that now that we are older we are more sexual? bolder? freer? confident? Where have all the inhibitions that use to control us as kids disappeared to?

The days where we could flirt and hug and not have to worry about all the complicated stuff like, love, and relationships and the physical lust (althou I can't lie, I like that part). Hmmmm....and I thought being a teen was complicated and too much fun, but in truth I think being a grown up stuck in this maze is actually althou infuriating is actually rather exciting as well....I know I know, I sound confused, but so what I am. That is the best part about reinventing one's self, you get to think and sort and figure and try all types of thoughts, ideas, values and good times....I must say there have been days where I have wondered what being me was about, but never can I say that I have truly regreted being exactly who I am. Now Fuck Me and tell me how many people can actually say that huh???

Ok so back to Mr. Kabul...hmmm...he is new, let's see if he lasts a week, the beginning is always fun, it's like the challenge of putting a puzzle together, where do the pieces go, how do they fit, what is the final image going to look like....I like this part the best lol....

But I have this rule, it's my one week rule. If a man can last a week, then he has hope of being amusing, if he lasts more than 2 weeks he is growing on me...If he lasts a month, he is officially my friend, and then after that anything is possible na?

Oh bloody hell, why is that all of a sudden I miss Azie? NO NO NO NO! I don't it like when someone new does something like someone old and then all of a sudden you are thinking about the someone old when all you should be doing is setting fire to the memory of that someone old! Sigh...I think the hardest part of getting over the people from our past is the sensations they have left within us, the residue of the way they were, what made them unique to you, the little quirks they had that made them special to you.....but it all fades, everything in life with enough time, fades.....

White Marble....

This is what started my mad affair with Humble's Poetry....



Excuse Me Ms.
want to read your story
And I know it's wrong to judge a book by its cover
But I read your synopsis from behind
Read it a couple times, up and down up and down up down
Actually I read it every time u decide to turn around
So turn around for me girl
Dont get me wrong I know theres more to you than whats written on your jacket
And youre a hard cover doing everything to protect it
And before touching your first page, I don't mind hearing your prequel
Everything that makes you what you are... and even, what you aint
And I know I can't get your jist over one date
And I have to admit, I didn't catch all that was said
Lost between your eyes and your legs
Loving your lips jealous of your jeans how they was hugging your hips
Im an articulator so appreciate great art when I see it
But I feel u and I wan hear you tell me your story
And I know the best parts gon be in your centre book
But Im in no rush to get to that chapter
Theres a lot more b4 and even much more after
So let me take you one page at a time baby girl
And when I read you Im gon hold your spine baby girl
And your first half is the rising action introduce me to your character
Seduce me with profuse use of lovely language, youre a page turner
And when I hit your climax, I aint gon put you down
We gon cool you down, finish ever last word
Every last noun adjective and verb
Can think of a couple verbs I wan do to ya
Couple of adjectives that would adequately suit ya
Like soft smooth, beautiful, heavenly, underappreciated
Let me appreciate you girl
Im not doing this for myself, your not going back on the shelf
Once we're done Im gon read you again
And again and again until I know every word, every line, every quote
Every tear, every laugh, and every word you ever spoke
I wan to speak them with you, do anything to get wit you
So we can write a new chapter
Not concerned with your numerous previous nemisesi,
No word of a lie, experience is so necessary
U got a wealth of it girl, approaching me with your own personal world
Of lessons learns, cheeks caressed, emotional exchanges
Im green with envy of those already mentioned in your pages
But let me be your sequel, your final instalment
The comeupn's of your hardships, my name means prince, no need to proofread
No need to re-write how it already went down
And I got a story of my own
Story bout how I got grown, my own person tragedy
With pages ripped, corner ends flipped, chapters revisited...
Yea Im living in the past...
But now I see a future before me
More valuable than a Toni Morrison first edition
Quiet as it's kept; youre a hidden gem with dust on the cover
Discarded by a previous lover, betrayed by yet another
See this brown brother, and figure history to repeat
Only thing to repeat is my name out your lips so sweet
U can't pronounce it properly but I still think it's cute
Drink juice from your fruit, this poem is your own
Tribute to the absolute definition of truth
And the truth is in every movement involuntary
When your spine arches and sweat marches down to your lower back
With curves so perfect, resembles that of a violin, tuned to the perfect pitch
But switch to different frequencies, and I need to be close, so I can hear u (haaaw) inhale
And that breath tells me 1001 words, more than any picture, to decipher your scriptures
Need to manipulate your manuscript at all angles, youre an angel
With clipped wings, and rip dreams, I follow every word with my fingers
Eyes closed like brail
Lets write volumes of children
Have a whole library
Literature manifested from the love that me and u can create
Sorry I jumped a few pages
Don't even know your title...I mean your name
Excuse me ms. I jus wanna read your story

November 6 th.....

Happy Birthday Jaan...

D I V O R C E (d)

Sigh....

After 4 years of procastination and futile excuses, the papers have finally been signed and I have closed another chapter in my life...I am a divorced woman.

It has been more amusing to watch how people react to the news, for some odd reason their first response is a hestitant "Congrats.." Ummm...really? You are congratulating on my failed marriage...it is almost comical, and therefore I can't really get annoyed and in truth what is the right way to react to such news?

But I must admit the signing has been a catylst for a major Aha moment for me. As I have been reflecting on the chain of events that have occured in the last few weeks I noted that there was so much anger and resentment inside of me. And it had made everything so dark. And as I kept thinking about all this negativity, the image of the beautiful full moon that I saw on Monday kept looping in on my thought.

Let me tell you about this moon before I continue on with my thoughts.

The sky was completely clear, and the moon was HUGE, so beautiful and bright, and it gave me company as I walked to the meeting place where my ex and I were suppose to sign the papers with our mediator, which get this, happen to be CHUCKEE CHEESE. Yes only in my life would I sign my divorce agreement at such a venue, but it's a great fucking memory ain't it? But anyways, as I looked upon the moon when I was walking, for some reason the roshni of it's light, felt like it was healing me. I felt light, like the burden that had been sitting on my shoulders had been lifted, but I didn't quite comprehend it, all I knew was that when I made it to my meeting, I felt like it was all going to be ok. I mean yeah it sucks that we weren't able to make it work, but in my heart I felt like the seed of something wonderful had been planted. And all the hurt and anger and negativity was washed away by the light of this beautiful moon.

I had a lot of good times with Shafik... I mean I was with him since I was 18 and we spent 12 crazy years together. We saw hardships and great times, we partied hard and laughed even harded and we were great friends. We worked well together and pushed each other to the limits, we grew up together and in the end we gave each other the most beautiful gift we possible could, our little one. But the reality was that we had reached our final destination as husband and wife, and now our journey will continue as co-parents, but that is all we can be and that is our Qismat, and I can accept that now.

But what I realised last night and this morning was that I can not hold on to my anger and bitterness for all that went wrong, it happened, and nothing can change the end of the story, but I do know this if I hold on to that negativity it will eclipse all the roshni of all that was good between us, and my memories which I realised, are my moon, the are the moments that light up my life's journey and allow me to reflect smile and laugh and say damn that was a bloody good was wasn't it?....and I can not let my stubborness eclispe that beauty that I experienced.

He is a good man, caught in a circumstance, and in truth, we both need different things to be happy in life and that is ok....I just hope we both find what it is we are looking for.

I wish the best for him, and I hope happiness for him, and peace of mind. He was my husband, he was my friend, he is the father of my child and for that he will always have my affection.

Good things to you always Shafik.

Live long and strong....

And may happiness follow your every footstep....

(even on the days you piss me off...lol..)

Ya Ali Madad....

As the rips in my soul heal,

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the darkness dawns to light,

I call Your name Ya Ali....
As the ropes of fear which have had me entwined begin to shred,

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the love which lay frozen within me in the pond of dispondency begins to thaw,

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the Noor of your Haqiqat courses through my veins, my nerves, my senses...

I call Your name Ya Ali...
As the gentle whispers of your Presence reawakens my tounge in Zikar,

It is only You Ya Ali that I call...

Ya Ali You are my Lord...
YA Ali You are my Light...
Ya Ali You are my Fanna...
Ya Ali You are the Manifestor of Miracles....

Oh Ali I prostray before Thee and I rely upon, from Thee is my strength and Thou my Protection...Guide me to the Right Path, not of those cursed ones nor of those who have gone astray...

I am nothing but a mere drop in Ocean of your Magnitude, but take Mercy on this lump of unmolded clay and Grace her with Your Reverance and Bless her with Your Clarity....

Ya Ali Madad....

Kartar (Darbari)

For the 3 min 36 secs of the studio recorded version of this song, I am able to find pure emancipation....I am not afraid to be left alone within myself....and I can taste what pure liberation feels like.

Fading...

I don't hear you no more....

I don't see you no more....

Fading...
Fading...

I don't cry for you no more...
I don't ache for you no more....

Forgiving....
Forgiving.....

I don't want you no more...
I don't hope for you no more....

Healing....
Healing...

I don't dream of you no more....
I don't think of you no more....

Releasing...
Releasing...

I don't sense you no more....


Leaving...


You have gone from me....


Liberating...


You are in me no more....

You have released all parts of me...
I am whole....
I am free....

Spinning...
Breathing...
Laughing...
Dancing....

I am free....