Catalysts...

Someone told me that if I am not willing to take the chance then someone else will, and I will have lost out on that opportunity...And I totally agree with that 100%, no doubt. But I don't think it is that simple.

The human mind is not as objective and as rational as we would hope it to be, and alot of times seeing clearly is difficult, especially when dealing with ones own life. There has to be a certain clarity for one to realise that there is that experience, opportunity, relation...waiting to be discovered and explored...And if an individual is just not in the headspace to understand, they are not going to be able to do what it takes to risk and take that chance....Like they say: "You can only do better, if you know better."

Sometimes it takes that one particular expereince to be the catalyst. It allows us to draw the curtains back and let in the light to see, which doors are there to be opened....And as sad as it may be to walk a way from a 'what could have been', there is that silver lining... You learnt, you understood and you felt a loss...and now you know better and next time you are in a similar situation, or even a different circumstance where you are required to take a risk, you know, you will take it and do better, because this time you know, you are braver than you were before and you are stronger than you were before, and in truth what is the worst that can happen? Especially when you know without doubt, all wounds heal with time...and eventually become a memory we smile at...

I promsie they do, because I know...I am smiling right now....

Choices

There are so many thoughts and emotions blazing thru my head, and I am trying to make sense of it all…Oh no no, there is no drama to detail, it is merely the journey of life that has me riding the rollercoaster of hopes and dreams, but this time I am going to ride this rush hands free!!

I see with clarity the rays of happiness peaking thru those ever looming grey clouds of fear and confusion, and what I have learnt is that happiness will not be served with white gloves on a silver platter…No happiness is not an emotion we should expect or even demand that we have a right to…it is state a of being that must be molded and sculpted and designed, it takes perseverance and hope to encompass this realm of contentment in our lives…

Look, we are faced with decisions every single day as to how we choose to perceive the storyline of our life, we can either wallow in all that has been shitty and unjustifiable in our lives and cry in our coffees every morning, or we can break the cycle and free ourselves from the shackles of pain and allow those bleeding wounds to heal and scar and wear them as marks of the brave warriors of life that we are…This is a choice, it is not something that just should be…

And happiness can be found so easily, if we just allow ourselves to see with our heart eyes. A good friend once told me that to change your life, it takes exactly one moment…That moment you decide to make it different…It may take time to make that choice a reality, because all good things take effort, but your life changes the moment you alter your perspective on the situation…And this the hugest lesson I have learnt in the last 2 months…

As I have experienced all the what if's start running thru the mind at the speed of the autobahn, and you know when you aren't used to believing in this state of optimism, it can be uncomfortable and un-nerving and at times down right frightening. I mean allowing yourself to be happy means you have to invest in that hope and belief that there is joy left in the world and that I am allowed to part take in that joy freely and completely and that acceptance of this fact and the investment of oneself in this hope is one of the most difficult and terrifying things to do. But it is also without a doubt also one of the most exhilarating and satisfying…

But this is not a self realized epiphany that I have experienced…No I have had a fellow traveler on this path and I do truly believe I have found my very own guardian angel who has walked thru fire and on broken glass for me and with me….and with such unconditionality that they can be nothing less than an angel…

Just Breathe...

Tick tock tick tock, time is ticking...

My stomach is aching...

My baby is dreaming...

And I am fuming...

When will this stop...

When will this madness and heartache stop...

When you start to listen...

When you start to really listen....

But you are so self absorbed with your own self pity and fury....

You are so arrogant in these lines you draw around yourself...

It is time to surrender...

It is time to reflect....

It is time to listen and breathe...

Just breathe...

We will get thru this....

One day at a time....

Hollow Echos

The corner in which you sat, is now dark and the chair is over turned....
The music has stopped...
And all has gone still...

Where you lived within me is now hollow
Only a vague imprint remaining...

Apathy has set in...

The sound of your laughter has faded...
I think I have already forgotten what it sounds like.
I know I should feel more...
I try to feel more...
But the anger and tears have shredded it all...

How did it become this?

I just don't have enough strength for you and me.

DISRESPECT!!
DISRESPECT!!
That word is stuck in a loop in my head...
DISRESPECT!!

Who are you to disrespect me, when you have no respect for yourself?
Who are you to judge me when, when you are a fallen sinner yourself?
Who are you to tell me I am nothing, when you haven't yet found your own self worth?
Who are you to hang me from the gallows of my heart, when your own heart is frozen in the fear of your own past?

Carry on I say to you...
Carry on...
I have nothing left for you today....
I will not be your soft place to fall, nor will I plegde my unwilling loyalty to you...
Who are you to me?
You are to me, as I have been to blind to see, Who I am to you...

Nobody...

Just a passing stranger who shared a pinhole moment in the timeline of your life....
A moment created
A laugh shared...
A memory made...
A thought that has now been misplaced...

I am searching...
I am feeling...
I am hoping...

But there is nothing...
It has all become hollow....

Kitthe Koi Ronda Hovega

Self Inflicted

Oh Jaan when will this madness cease to be....

I am sitting here at the library waiting for the little one finish her playschool, so I can take her to Kindergarten, and it is in these quiet moments that I am haunted....

It is going on to 8 weeks and my heart still hurts to the point where it makes breathing difficult, and I cry, in the grocery store, when walking Seri to school, even while sitting here in the fucking library I cry....But I can't seem to comprehend what I am crying for....

I can't seem to make sense of any of it....you have come and gone, you came to me like an oasis, and when I came close enough to touch you, drink from you, you vanished...and all was barren and unbearable once again....

You had to have been real....How could you not have been? I still feel the sweat that ran down your back under my fingers. Why can I still feel your hands in my hair, and your kisses on my forehead.....Was that you who sat across from me in that stupid parking lot, legs stretched across my lap, as my fingertips played over the hard muscle of your calf...Did it happen could it have happened?

I know it happened cos that night is tatooed into me, I want to bleed it out, but it is not in my blood, it has been burnt into me, I want to cut it out of me, but the scar will only deepen and become larger, and I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I am going crazy....I need to find a way out, I am losing my mind....why won't it stop hurting.....

I keep rubbing the acid of reality into this sorrow so I can find that place within myself where all there is, is white pain, where the anguish is so intense, so overwhelming I become senseless and free from sensation. And my spirit becomes a silent tomb for my nerves to quieten and for my tears to dry for at this point I have peaked my threshold for agony and beyond....

In one swift cut, I welcome the pain I feel....

I force myself to see you walk with her thru your marriage rights and make her your wife, I listen to Shinda's Vaada wedding song, and picture you smiling as you watch the slide show, of you and her, I see you dance with her your first dance, holding her close looking down at her as she looks up at you, and cutting your wedding cake....

And I slowly pour the stinging salt solution of memories, I remind myself of the sensations I felt when you first hugged me under that street lamp, so warm, so safe, so hard, that first soft kiss where I smelt your breath for the first time, the way in which your heart and breath stop the first time I touched the back of your neck as you were driving, I will remember that look on your face till the day I die, but I force myself to recgonise that those moments now will belong to her......your kisses, your breathlessness, your comfort, your safety.....

But I do not allow myself to become weak and give into these memories, because I meditate on the fact that you are not mine, never ever and forever that is the truth....and so in a loop I play and re-play the images of you, brushing the hair off her shoulder as she lays naked next to you to kiss her neck, I make myself see your fingers running over her belly and around her belly button and trace it with kisses, and gently easing the weight of you on to her and becoming one with her, moving within her, with her, cumming inside her, marking her as your woman.....

I am writhing in agony now and I feel like I am going to go mad, so I cut deeper, as deep as I can cut without taking my life, and I hear you tell her I love you shooo much jaane maan, in the way that you do....and repeating to her in a moment of romance I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.....and this is when I find that blessed numbness, where the intensity of despair allows me to just shut down.....

And it is in these moments I find acceptance that you are with her....that you chose her, that she is your destiny, she is your future and your happiness.....

Jaan, if you thought leaving me over the summer was punishment for the betrayal you felt I inflicted, worry not, I have self flagellated myself a thousand times more then you ever could, and the chains which bear the blades of truth as to what is, have been whipped across my soul's back uncountable times......

I sear with brutality of reality every single day.....