Nothing is different, then exactly what it is...

What is real and what is not? Who do you trust and who do you not? I thought I had found my happy ending, I thought it could be true...

But there is no such thing. There is always a catch, that is life. That is how God balances the scales. Nothing is for free.

I feel so betrayed by the myth...I feel so much anger at myself for once again hoping...And I don't want play nice, b/c somewhere in my heart I know, no one has played nice with me.

I thought what I heard with my ears was true, but what I saw with my eyes tore me thru and thru. I thought it would get better, silly girl have you learnt nothing...

Nothing is different then exactly what it is. Nothing changes, no one changes. We are creatures of comfort, creatures of habit...

No one will break their cycle for anyone other then, themselves. That is so evident, so very true.

False promises and false hopes all illusions the heart longed to believe , the yearning to be believe that the dream would come to reality, but no one can make your reality but you.

Love? What is love? It is a myth, a mirage I no longer believe in love...I no longer hunger for that other half, lover, saathi...I don't want it anymore. To build up trust one brick at a time and have it torn down again brick by brick doesn't make sense to me...

What do we need it for? Daily campanionship? Isn't that what friendships are for? Is that not what family is for? Or is it for physical lust? Oh God that is easy to find...

What is love? tell me? it is a phantom phenomena that we believe will take the loneliness away...But loneliness is a state of mind, and hence love is also a state of mind....It is the infactuation that has us twirling like dervishes, it is the physical chemistry that leaves us drunk like sama drinkers...

I feel the stillness in me...the calm...the accpetance...I am not afraid to be alone anymore, not in the least...There are no expectations or dissappointments this way. No more wanting to inspire romance and flowers... No nore needing that heart aching need to connect and understand anymore, no more fights, no more sorrows, no more let downs. No more judging, no more compromising, no more guilt, no more trying to prove how good a person I really am...

Just freedom to be me, to be a mother to my daughter, to make it on my own. I don't have to want anything anymore, from anyone, mmmmm...there is such peace in that.

My Heart Still Beats

My chest is ripped wide open, and my heart lays bare covered in the blood of betrayal, and struggling to pump out the traces of deceit.

The blood flowing around my heart is gurgling, see we told you he was not real, just an illusionist, he is not real. My arteries are clogged with shame, how could I let it happen again...yet again.

Small cuts in the valves are slowly seeping out my hope...and I feel the clot moving to my brain.

Ahh what bliss it would be if that little pocket of air stopped where all my memories lie. To erase the last year, and with it, all these phantom emotions, just to be gone and be given the luxury of ignorance.

But NO... I will sew my skin back over my heart, and with each stich I pull thru with the needle of reality I will allow the pain to wash over me, because in that pain I will find my solace that He knows what He has in store for me, and I will wear my scar to bear witness the consequences of not believing in the small voice of God that had been whispering to me all these months, let it go, let him go, be free...

My heart will not stop, no it will keeping beating, it will still beat, but we just have a different rhythm....But I will not allow my heart to stop....