Contradictions

Oh Harkirat, what have you got me into....He says I have to have a post up before Saturday, he insists that I have something to share with the world. What can I possibly teach the world when I am so completely confused and lost myself....

Somehow at 34 I am still in a process of personal evolution, shouldn't I already be established in a rewarding career with a husband to warm my bed and 3 children and 2 dogs in a 5 bedroom home by now?? Instead I am a single mom, who has now returned back to university as a full time student, competing with kids as young as 17 for a spot in the B.BA program.....I live at home with my parents and I have yet to establish anything permanent in my life.....What can I possibly teach the world? I can barely get my child to learn her words of the week.

All I have to offer are my bumbling attempts at sorting out who I am, after uncountable crash and burns. Maybe some of the lessons will resonate, and Insha'allah make the lessons a little less painful for those reading and relating, it always eases the burden a bit knowing that we aren't alone....

Every single day, I feel like I am changing but yet I feel so stagnant. I am facing some of the greatest changes I have ever faced, but yet, then why do I feel like my feet are stuck in cement in other aspects?  Am I being stubborn? Am I stuck because I have yet to learn the teaching that comes with the situations? 

But despite these contradictions, I feel soo ALIVE, my mind is flourishing, my spirit is soaring, I am madly in love with my child and life....but at the core there is this solitude, this emptiness.....I feel like such an oxymoron!

Maybe while spinning my thoughts, ideas and feelings here once again, I will find a way to my core and fill it with the Roshni that will complete me and somehow make sense of it all.....

My way out....

It feels like it has been eons since I have written....but I am starting to feel the urge to slowly rejoin the world....

It has been a mad few weeks in my head, so much came crashing down at the same time, and I felt like I was being sucked into the quicksand of darkness in my head.

So I just stopped....Just stopped functioning with the rest of world, I just turned my mind my off, and tried to just build a safe barrier against the tears and pain that all came rushing back at me.

When will it just all go away? When will his thoughts and presence finally disappear all together from my life, it's like God is testing me...and is almost mocking me at times...and maybe it is because I am just not learning the lesson I am suppose to learn or maybe it just random karma, but whatever it is, it kicked my ass and knocked me out.

But you know what sometimes we gotta go thru shit like this na? I mean how else do we build ourselves to become stronger and wiser and more compassionate. My Mom always uses the diamond as an example, she'll say look at how precious the diamond is, but look at how that stone went thru to become so brilliant. I like that example, my mom, I am telling you is one smart lady.

Maybe it is all about learning my limits and boundaries, and knowing that I need to step off the path I am on, and try a less traveled path and see where that leads, cos right now I feel like a fish, flip flopping out of water....sigh....

But I can feel the fingers of reason massaging my senses and making me lucid once again, and hopefully in due time, it will all make sense once again....

....

ਮੌਤ ਤੇ ਵੀ ਸਾਨੂੰ ਯਕੀਨ, ਉਹਨਾਂ ਤੇ ਵੀ ਐਤਬਾਰ ਏ, ਦੇਖੋ ਪਹਿਲਾਂ ਕੌਣ ਆਉਂਦਾ, ਦੋਨਾਂ ਦਾ ਇੰਤਜ਼ਾਰ ਏ

Taj Mahal Style Love....

I wrote this about a year after my ex husband and I split up...I thought you know God is really busy and the world is a mess, and I figure he's got a lot going and really he's top priority is not match making. So I thought ok, his side kick angels must be on this full time, and I think it would only be decent of me to at least give them a hand and make a life a bit easier....So I got this list together to point them in the right direction....and here is what I came up with:

He will be HONEST and drip with INTEGRITY and HONOUR
He will love my child, the way he loves me, unconditionally and whole heartedly....
He will encourage me to be a better parent and he will join me in this challenge...
He will face push thru his fears to love me....
He well be educated and stable, and have ambition and allow me to part take in his journey....
He will love his family and will allow me to love mine, and we will accept them as OUR families...
He will be a bad boy with a heart, and compassion...
He will be sharp and witty
He will make me feel secure and safe and whole....
He will be spiritual and have faith that God has a plan for him....and we will believe blindly together....
We will not be afraid to challenge one another and say 'what the hell are you doing'...
We will push one another and force each other to face our fears, because we will provide unconditional support and strength...
We will marvel at each other’s brilliance and not allow it to be eclipsed...
We will lean on each other as crutches when our hearts are breaking,
We will force ourselves to move forward together no matter how much it will hurt, because we understand that wallowing in our sorrow will merely suck the light out of our beings..
We will banter and laugh and laugh and laugh....until we are exhausted...
He will be allowed to honest, and tell me when my ass is looking fat and I will firmly explain how much his feet stink…
He will love me more as he watches me sleeping and I will cherish him when he is vulnerable and confused ...
We will respect each other even as we fight, because we WILL understand that we fight about the principle behind the action, rather than the action it's self...
We will sing to one another...
We will dance when there is no music...
We will talk politics and art at the breakfast table, because our exchange of intelligence is our biggest aphrodisiac...
We will boldly display affection because we are not shy, but feel proud that I am his and he is mine...
We will read endless books and contemplate the new perspective we have discovered...
We will agree to disagree when we feel the other one is full of shit...
We will intertwine with one another to become the strength of two and will set our roots into one another...
We will accept all that is paradoxal and incomprehensible about one another because that is part of our charm...
He will wake in the middle of the night to make love to me because he missed me and wanted me to feel his heart...
I will be his muse, I will be his insipiration and move him in away no other has...

I do belive my number is 21570000985...so only a few more to go....

Pass the bloody Kleenex...

Oh maa....I am sooo sick....NO, it is not the H1N1 or the swine flu or whatever else is floating around out there....I have just the shittiest head cold, God could ever create. And I hate hate hate medication. Me and tablets have this sort of agreement, I hate you, but I will use if you my life depends on it, type of agreement.

I have so much going on that I want to get out, but on unfortunately, it can't seem to find it's way out of the muscus which has congested my head....These bloody boogers are like terrorists, highjacking my thoughts and the throwing them around in my head like hand grenades....it's all very painful...

OH and noise....my poor child thinks her name is SHHHHHH....please....really she doesn't understand that althou she is sooo cute when she talks, her volume is bloody broken, and I am not sure how to fix it. I have been tempted a few times just to stuff her mouth with really chewy candies, so maybe her jaw will stay stuck shut for a bit...but then again I know my little one and all she will do is screach and holler, she don't need words man, let me tell you....

I am no going to try and hide somewhere really quiet and dark, somewhere no one would think to look....Oh yes I know the chair in the basement, where I take all my I don't want anyone to hear calls....Let's see how long I can hide for....

Sigh.....

Put your Lights on...

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say I've got nothing to fear

There's a darkness living deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, deep into my home
God, don't let me lose my nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Because there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I've got nothing to fear
La illaha illa Allah
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away

Ssssshhhh....

Sensuality...I love the word, I savour the word, I want to live the word.

Sensuality... the smell of a strong ripe fruit...
Sensuality...the fantastic lounge track playing in elevator...
Sensuality....the beautiful graffiti design on the side of some poor man's truck....
Sensuality....the taste of dark chocolate which lingers on your tongue.
Sensuality....the culmination and jubliation of senses that come alive and excited by all the experiences to be found in the mundane of life....


Sensuality....the symphony of bodies....
Sensuality...the dash of perfume in the hollow of her neck....
Sensuality....the khol that outlines her eyes....
Sensuality...the silky stocking that encases her firm calf muscle....


Sensuality...the scruff of his beard from yesterday...
Sensuality...the open collar of his white shirt...
Sensuality...the smell of soap on his skin....
Sensuality....the music that plays in his car....


Sensuality...his smile....
Sensuality...her laugh....
Sensuality...his fingers tracing over the softness of her fore arm....
Sensuality....her skin raising in goose bumps in reaction....


Sensuality....his fingers tracing over the curve of her shoulder....
Sensuality...her head resting over his heart listening to the steady rhythm....
Sensuality....his breath in her ear whispering all that he wants from her....
Sensuality....her soft whispers in reply....


Sensuality....his fingers in her hair...
Sensuality....her fingers in his hair...
Sensuality...breath on breath....
Sensuality...arms entwined around one another's waists to hold each other steady....


Sensuality.....hmmmmm.....the rest?....welll a girl can't kiss and tell now can she?